@hodgetwins https://t.co/5tAraKjVY8 (55 mins ago)

news&updates

Nov
6

Guest Post: Zserilyn Finney

To Whom It May Concern

I once wondered if drinking blood, real blood, would ever be mainstream in pornography. With such unappetizing bits as midgets lying with superbly obese women, you would think something that happens every minute through blood transfusions would appeal to someone.

Don’t get all crazy-eyed on me, I have my reasons.

You can call me Tim Castle, and I’m a vampire.

Got that out of the way? Good. Because it’s nothing to scream about.

I have absolutely no idea how old I am, and that really shouldn’t matter because I’m immortal. There are only two types of people who care how old a vampire is: the ageist super-millenials who have survived years upon years of persecution. Sure, that’s cool, I suppose, if you think running for your life for years on end is something commendable instead of pitiful. The second group is the vamp geeks. Somehow older vampires are cooler and more powerful. Completely untrue.

There is one requirement to being a vampire: drink blood to survive. So all you car accident survivors who needed blood became, for a short while, vampires. Indeed, the Jehovah Witnesses are onto something other than self-satisfied, fun-sucking, dangerous delusions when they revoke much needed medicinal care.

I don’t quite understand why all the other crap came with being a vampire over the years. Yes, SAD can be a bitch for some who can’t go into the sun because it hurts the fuck outta eyes that haven’t had blood in a couple of years (for religious reasons, and there’re are vegetarians). I don’t know the science of it, but something about drinking blood all the time keeps us as young as when we change, and regenerating, but there are these cute little jellyfish that do the same thing. A lot of us don’t eat garlic, true, but that’s not really inherently vampiric. It’s more like how those disgusting capers are an acquired taste. Tastebuds change when you transform, that sort of thing.

Of course, as modern romantic examples are telling the masses, crosses and stuff don’t work, for the obvious reasons.

The real funny thing is that these sparkly and sparkly-eyed vampires are closer to how we are than, say, anything by John Carpenter.

Think of it this way. Tomorrow, you change. Difference races of vampires change differently, but however it is, you change. Now, you’ll want blood, and garlic (and chocolate, and pretty much everything else) will never taste the same again. How does it follow logically that you would be a bloodthirsty maniac bent on subjugating all humans?

You see, the thirst for blood is like the thirst for anything else. We aren’t charging after humans to drain them dry- that’s so fucking counter-productive, why?  So that everyone can come after you, or start burning people at stake trying to catch the culprit? Drink them while they sleep. Or get them drunk and heal the wounds. Now, you can do it the next day. Simple.

There are vampires that do that shit, of course, but there was also a guy named Hitler, if you know what I mean. These guys were bad when they were humans, and are just as super fucked up as vampires. And they often they don’t get better with age. But don’t fear…

There are some more myths that need to be dispelled while we’re coming out in the open. Vampires aren’t any stronger than humans. Most races can’t even build muscle, so if ol’ Eddie was a sickly, dying thing right before he turned, he most definitely is not going to be breaking rocks with his siblings after turning. In fact, sick people who change often die. Imagine you’re trying to cure your cancer, and some asshole or ignorant vamp changes you. Now you’re regenerating, and so are those cancer cells. Unfortunately for cancer cells, they don’t break down on their own (like skin and everything else cells). That tumor you thought you’d escape from is now growing more quickly than you can realize you colossally fucked up.

Which gets me to the next myth: we can die nearly any way a human can. If we’re given time to heal, we would. But while a human can be trapped under something and slowly bleeding away on a half-hour countdown, a hungry vamp probably has about three minutes at best. A lot of the new changelings die because they don’t know, and the vampires that changed them don’t remember, or are assholes. The same sort of people who will tell the kids in the neighborhood to lick a metal pole in negative-degree weather.

We can also develop cancer, and drunkenness, and sicknesses. We’re just as afraid of AIDS as you guys are. In fact, we’re more afraid, because DNA-changing shit like that go crazy within a few minutes, and we’re dead within the hour.

I think the myths of our superpowers were developed like any lies about people who are different. I remember thinking, when I was young and human, that black people weren’t human, or subhuman, or had magic. I realized pretty quickly after changing that thinking like that was about as dumb as believing that people with tans could talk to ghosts (a local superstition during my second or so year of change).

And everything that followed the black equals subhuman logic: that they are like animals and enjoyed being cared for by their masters. The ironic thing was that many African nations had slaves as well, but they didn’t hide behind shit they pulled straight from their ass. They had superiority complexes, though. Of course, when you can run longer, jump higher, and swing your dick closer to the ground, who wouldn’t get a superiority complex?

Well, let’s get back on topic.

Silver doesn’t hurt us.

We don’t sparkle unless we wear glitter.

Some of us are gay.

Some of us are asexual.

Most of us do get aroused by drinking blood. Don’t know why, but a lot of people get orgasmic pleasure from McDonald’s fries and chocolate-covered strawberries. We have fewer options. One option, really.

We have reflections, but often look horrible after not drinking.

We don’t get more beautiful (this ties in with the whole not getting more powerful, I guess).

I can’t really think of much more to list. But, since I changed when I was late-blooming sixteen-year-old, the average woman can beat the crap out of me if she wanted to.

So, we’re coming out, because we thought it was a good time. With all these ‘fake’ vampire movies out, secular lives becoming more the norm, and we have some stuff to offer the world, it’s as good as it’s going to get.

In all honesty, I want to be a porn star (Tim Castle!), because, you know, it’s good money, and vampires have to get their money pretty much the same way that humans do- we just have a longer time to do it. That’s why I’m here with this speech. But fucking makes me awful thirsty, you know, so it’ll be just awesome if people would just give the OK, so I can make some cash and figure out how an iPhone works.

 

for more of where this came from visit shinashiz.wordpress.com

contact Zserilyn at shinashiasusual@yahoo.com

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy