Happy Lupercalia

Host Ted: Good evening. I am Ted and this is Brian.

Host Brian: And we both wish you a happy Valentine’s Day.

Host Ted: Tonight we have with us 2 ladies who will offer up their two unique perspectives on the holiday.

Host Brian: Bridget is a history professor at the University of North Dakota and Briana is a runway model currently attached to a famous British shipping magnate.

Bridget: Excuse me Brian. I was under the impression I was asked to appear to speak about how Valentine’s Day was actually an attempt by the church to supersede the pagan holiday Lupercalia.

Host Ted: Well we can get to that a bit later but I’d like to start off by asking our lovely guest Briana on how she plans on spending this Valentine’s Day.

Briana: (small giggle) Actually after this interview my boyfriend and I are flying down to St. Barts. We usually stay at the Villa au Soleil because of the view but I’m not sure about this time.

Host Brian: And what is that large rock on your finger? Is that new?

Briana: (giggling) Yes it is. It’s a promise ring that my boyfriend bought me to celebrate our first month together.

Host Ted: Look at the sparkle!

Host Brian: Might I just add that you look ravishing this evening Briana.

Briana: (giglling) Thank you Brian.

Host Ted: Now Bridget… what are your plans for St. Valentine’s Day?

Bridget: Um… well… I can’t really see how that’s relevant to a discussion on the history of Lupercalia.

Host Ted: Try to be a little flexible Bridget. Our audience would like to see hear about how the “other half” celebrates the holiday.

Bridget: Flexible? Listen. I was rushed on without even getting the chance to have your make-up people touch me. I couldn’t help but notice that your other guest Briana looks like she just came from a Cosmo shoot.

Briana: Thank you.

Bridget: Well that’s not what I meant. And why does she have a clip-on mic while I’m holding this hand-held? It’s not even the right size… it looks child-sized for god’s sake.

Host Brian: I’m not sure you’re addressing the question Bridget.

Bridget: And I couldn’t help but look at the monitor. Why are you so close-up on me? You can see my pores. I fill up the whole screen. Briana has different lighting too.

Briana: Why thank you.

Bridget: My hand looks enormous holding this stupid microphone. Like a glazed ham or something.

Host Ted: Now Bridget. Why don’t you tell us how you’re spending this holiday. Any romantic plans?

Bridget: Well… not really. A few friends and I usually go out to dinner. I’ll actually be spending Valentine’s Day doing a lecture on ancient Greek festivals.

Host Brian: Well that sounds… interesting.

Bridget: It is. The festival of The Arcadian Lycaea, from Ancient Greek: λύκος – lykos, “wolf”, and the worship of Lycaean Pan was

Host Ted: That’s all very fascinating but I fear we’re being rude to our other guest, the radiant Miss Briana.

Host Brian: Yes, we can’t allow that. Tell us more what a beautiful woman like yourself expects from this seasonal homage to romance.

Briana: Well Brian… ever since I was a young woman Valentine’s Day has been my second favorite holiday. The cards, the gifts, the jewelry, the cars, the homes, the trips… I guess all the men through the years have just made me feel very special.

Host Ted: And rightly so. Just look at you. Marvelous.

Bridget: Wait. Am I supposed to represent the fat ugly women? Is that why I’m here?!

Host Brian: Absolutely… not. You’re here to answer questions about Lucifornia…

Bridget: Lupercalia.

Host Ted: Right.

Host Brian: Can you calm down Bridget? You’re upsetting Briana.

Bridget: What’s Valentine’s Day like for the water buffalo of the world… is that the program? If that camera gets any (edited) closer I’m going to fog up the lens.

Host Ted: Really Bridget, I must ask you to watch the language. Are you ok Briana?

Briana: (giggling) What?

Bridget: I’m banging two different guys I’ll have you know. Oh (edited)… I shouldn’t have said that.

Briana: Me too! At least two I think. Oh wait… I shouldn’t have said that.

Host Ted: You’ve got two guys banging you Bridget? Well I’ll be. Must be something about that North Dakota air.

Bridget: What I meant to say was that even though you have made me out to be an ogre I have normal romantic relationships with men despite the fact that I might not be some empty-headed Barbie doll.

Briana: Yeah! Wait…. what?

Host Brian: Can we get a closer shot of Bridget’s perspiration?

Bridget: This is unbelievable!

Briana: I know, right?

Host Ted: Can we get back to the topic? Briana. You are breathtaking and I speak for every man here when I say I’d like to bang you.

Briana: (giggling) Well… I’m not sure my boyfriend would like that. And he has people killed.

Host Brian: And Bridget. Let’s be frank. You’re one horn short of a rhino.

Bridget: Ironically the festival of Lupercalia started with the sacrifice of two male goats and a dog.

Host Ted: Can you sit back down Bridget? Can someone please restrain her?

Host Brian: (edited)

Briana: (giggling) (edited)

Host Ted: Hey! Ow! Stop that! (edited)

Host Brian: Well here’s wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day!

Bridget: (edited)