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Jun
18

Hardcore Wonder Years

When reading this you have to keep in mind the time in which it took place. While some may consider the topic too vulgar you really have to look past the immediate subject matter and embrace the over-riding themes of innocence and naiveté. This was a time before the internet made everything ok. What I’m truly going for is a Wonder Years type feel, for those that remember that show.

I was in college at the time and it would be hard to describe my sexual background as anything less than jaded, for that time anyway. Making up for lost time due to my years as a mega-nerd in high school, I was drinking deeply from the wellspring of drunk girls, desperately horny girls and girls with low self-esteem. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t consider myself anything less than Mr. Experienced.

(Cue melancholy acoustic guitar with a voiceover from a man who sounds like he’s sitting enjoying some nut-flavored coffee while he peers out a window, a slow smile spreading across his face as he gazes absent-mindedly ahead seemingly lost in a treasured memory)

(Maybe a little much? Yeah, I thought so too)

So I’m out a bar with friends, just hanging out and complaining about the songs the DJ was playing when another guy we knew walks up and starts talking to us. We decide to play some pool and walk over to the tables. When we get there he gives a little nod in the direction of this girl playing pool at the table next to us and then nonchalantly leans in to me and whispers “she likes it in the ass”.

My mental train of thought derails. I actually wince as the screeching of tortured metal wheels coming off the track and thousands of tons of hurling boxcars going flying in every direction fills my head.

“She what?” I inquire.

He explains to me in a casual tone that he knew someone that use to date her and she “liked it in the ass”.

I actually said this: “Likes what in the ass?”

He didn’t answer, he just stared at me until it sunk in.

  1. 

I spent the next few hours watching her every move. She couldn’t have been a more alien creature to me if I had first seen her emerging from some ruined spacecraft smoldering out front of the bar. And honestly, I couldn’t have picked a better time to fixate on the news that she “liked it in the ass” than watching her play pool what with the constant bending over. One time when she had a very difficult shot that required a prolonged stretch to reach the cue ball it was all I could do not to hyperventilate! I almost bit through my own lip imagining her “liking it in the ass”.

There had been one time during my freshman year where I had picked up a girl at a party and she had misheard or misinterpreted my desire to come from behind and, after saying she had never tried it, arched her back and seemingly offered up her butt to me. PLEASE remember this was before the internet before you judge me! I remember giving everything the ol’ once-over, poking the area with the tip of my equipment and finding it as impregnable as the Fortifications of Gibraltar I moved on with all haste. Without a second though actually. I was just happy to be interacting with a working vagina so the incident was over before it began.

So for almost 2 hours I watched this girl play pool. Now some of you might wonder if I felt any desire to meet her or even try and pick her up. Those are the people who just don’t understand my emotions at that moment. I would have sooner challenged Chuck Norris to kickboxing or Lance Armstrong to a bike race. I was content just to watch this young lady who “liked it in the ass”  exist in her natural environment. She was pretty, a little older than me, and as my eyes kept returning to her ass I kept wondering if she ever had trouble shitting herself because her sphincter was worn out from all the butt-sex.

I had no idea of the mechanics of it. Did she have to wear a plug now that the seal of her ass had been compromised? If she took a bath does she fill with water?

I wondered what she sounded like when she was being violated in that manner.

Did she fart more now? I imagined the men who were brave enough to plumb those fleshy depths. Bikers and sailors all I assumed.

See? I knew this story would end up getting all nasty and lose the childlike wonder I was aspiring to capture.

(Cue the return of the sappy guitar, indicating that the story is moving to some poignant conclusion. Hear it before you continue reading to get the full effect)

These were the days before Google could instantly hurl you into graphic pictorials or video clips of any sexual fetish your mind could conceive. There was no sexting. There wasn’t even texting.

There were just guys in a bar. Girls playing pool.

And one in particular who “liked it in the ass”.

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