Heaven

(originally posted 5/21/2020)

Craig has a problem. In a place where you’re not supposed to have problems.

Let’s get this out of the way right now… if you have consciousness you have problems. Even in heaven.

His problem? His second wife just passed away and is on her way up. He currently lives, very happily, with his first wife. His first love. His soulmate. His second wife? Not so much. She was better than living alone for the last years of his life. Barely.

But she shufflel’d off this mortall coile nonetheless, after a fairly pious life, which could make the next billion years or so seem like an eternity. (Please reread that last line to really let it sink in how absolutely gorgeous it is.)

How does he know that she’s on her way? You get updates when the people you know are about to die. It allows you make plans to greet them upon their arrival or figure out a good excuse why you don’t want to hang out with them.

You know all the stories about how the departed can look down on you? All true. There’s a viewing area with telescopes. What they don’t tell you is that you’re just as likely to catch your teenage grandson jerking off or taking a crap as you are seeing him graduate or walking a little old lady across the street.

You can sit all day and watch people on Earth go about their lives if you want. Heaven is heaven for Peeping Toms. (Please appreciate this for the brilliant quote it is. You read it here first.)

Craig wanted to check in on his second wife’s funeral and sure enough the priest was going on about how much she was looking forward to spending her afterlife with him.

“Shit” was all he could say in response.

The idea that everyone gets along in heaven is greatly overblown. Sure, when the Big Guy is around everyone is on their best behavior, but once he is out of earshot the usual arguments erupt and feather’s fly.

Craig still hasn’t broken it to his first wife that his second will be joining them soon. She was never a fan of Three’s Company when she was alive, he fears she’ll take the news about this new scenario poorly. The truth is Craig doesn’t even like the idea of having two wives at the same time. One is plenty. The Big Guy frowns on polygamy on Earth, there aren’t a lot of fundamentalist Mormons running around topside, so he’s not sure why he allows it heaven. It’s not like Craig didn’t think his second wife belonged in heaven, he would never want her shipped elsewhere, it’s just that he’s all set in the wife department.

Craig is in a real pickle.

You want more about heaven? Details and such?

A bit hard to articulate actually. Craig would probably tell you that it’s a lot like Earth except for the clouds and wings and such. You eat if you like eating, but you don’t have to poop. There isn’t sex, the Big Guy is really hung up on that, but you can experience an almost orgasmic-like state just by being nice to someone else. People gather just to be nice to each other.

It gets awkward sometimes.

Speaking of awkward, in an hour his second wife will be making her way through the pearly gates and Craig has to decide how to handle it.

Do you sleep in Heaven?

Nope. You’re bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 24/7.

Do the days seem to drag a bit?

Not as much as you’d think. They have every board game ever made.

Are you forever the age that you died or are you the best version of yourself in perpetuity?

What do you think?

Are there retarded people in heaven and, if so, do they stay retarded or does the Big Guy fix their chromosomal variants?

No fucking way I’m touching that one.

Are you able to avoid seeing people you don’t want to see, even if they want to see you? What if they can’t be truly happy without being with you but you can’t be truly happy by being with them? Can two people exist in that same space and both get what they want out of heaven?

“Craig!” he heard someone cry out lovingly behind him.

His second wife had gotten in early.