Why @nealbrennan and his epiphany-inducing stand up isn't always a good thing. #selfawareness #standupcomedy… https://t.co/n8SCFTlMs4 (12 hours ago)

Feb
10

# hippest blog ever!

Now someone reading a blog might find it odd that the author of that blog would mention the fact that his prostate is swollen to the size of an engorged, orange-flesh honeydew. The reader might find that this isn’t ‘hip’ enough for them. To this end I feel I must offer two important points to counter this perception.

First, what is not widely know is that orange-flesh honeydews are also know as temptation melons. Is there anything more hip than temptation?

I didn’t think so.

And, second, if you are going to write a blog you have to be able to write. Anyone can describe an enlarged prostate. Your novice blogger might compare it to a ‘melon.’ Strictly amateur hour. I went with orange-flesh honeydew and I stand behind that decision. What’s more, to make it even more hip I added engorged. There’s a word that screams party!

So what’s not hip about an enlarged prostate?

I’ll tell you.

But make sure you don’t plan on eating for a while.

So you’d think, based on Bernoulli’s Principle, that the more swollen my prostate got, the narrower my urethra would get and the faster my flow of urine would be. Assuming that I was standing and the viscosity of my urine remained a constant, that’s what I thought as well.

Wrong.

Totally wrong. Month after month I’ve seen it start to slow down. I even ran the numbers, assuming that the length of my tubing (h = 1m) was about 3 feet (too much?) and my penis hole was about 1 cm (too much?)… (A = pi*R^2 = pi/4 cm^2 = 7.8E-5 m^2 = 0.000078 m^2.) g = 9.8 m/s^2 so v = sqrt (2*9.8 m/s^2*1m) = 4.43 m/s. Finally Q = Av = 7.8E-5 m^2*4.43 m/s = 3.45E-4 m^3/s = 345 cm^3/s. You can see that this clearly supports my reasoning on the topic of peeing pressure! And yet my flow is all over the fucking place.

Not only does this means that I am suddenly that guy in the Flomax commercials, getting up in the middle of night with that irritated look on my face, but there is an even darker side to it.

Something you don’t see in the commercials.

Something you could never see in the commercials for it is that shocking.

It was only a fluke that I even saw it. I was starting my typical day in the bathroom, dealing with my weak stream and all when the light shone through the window at exactly the right angle to see the problem. After showering, I immediately ran to my chalkboard to see if I could figure out what I had just witnessed.

And there it was.

So clear a child prodigy could have seen it.

I wasn’t taking into account the turbulence created by my internal swelling! Add the surface-tension of your standard depth toilet bowl and there it was explained without a shadow of a doubt.

Every time I was pissing I was creating an almost imperceptible cascade of urine particles splashing back up on my bare legs. Instead of a strong steady torrent of piss, which keeps the splatter effect to a minimum, I was dripping and dribbling my way to a post-piss urine gloss on my leg hairs that rivaled the effect of a ride on Splash Mountain. If the sun hadn’t struck the piss-mist in just the right way I would have never noticed it at all.

Now the unwanted leg luster is all I can notice.

But, rate of urine discharge aside, tell me that pissing on myself every day isn’t fucking hip. I bet even Tucker Max doesn’t piss on himself as much as I do.

The only solutions to my problem, short of actually taking Flomax and becoming one of them, is to increase the size of my pee hole. Math tells us that doubling the size of the hole will increase the flow rate by 16 times (assuming, of course, that we keep the depth of the toilet water constant)!

You’re going to sit there and tell me that you’ve ever read a blog that is more hip than a writer explaining why he has to double the size of his pee hole?!

Ready for the big finish? The prostate gland stores and secretes a fluid that makes up part of the seminal fluid that constitutes semen. It also has some muscles in it that help to expel the fluid during ejaculation.

Very hip.

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