https://t.co/AidetKYYhn (1 day ago)

news&updates

Aug
2

how I almost died 4 U

**Disclaimer: Events as depicted in this story actually happened. The author does not recommend this type of behavior and cannot be held liable if you ever find yourself in the same situation and proceed to be a dumbass as he was. He is also going to ask a lot of your imagination in this one. Brace yourself.

 

Yesterday was just a day like any other. The sun was out and I was roaring down a back road with the radio blasting. I couldn’t have been any more wholesome if I was eating apple pie as I drove. In retrospect, I would have been safer eating apple pie as I drove.

 

**Disclaimer: The author is not suggesting you eat apple pie while driving.

 

That’s the thing about muscle memory, a type of procedural memory that allows a certain motor task to be performed without conscious effort, you never know when it’s going to kick in.

 

**Disclaimer: The author had to look that up. While this poses no immediate threat to you the reader, we certainly don’t want you to think he is more intelligent than he is. Although, when you’re done reading this it’s probably not a big concern to have.

 

And kick in it did.

 

**Disclaimer: Disclaimers really fuck up the flow of a story. Sorry.

 

That’s the thing about muscle memory, a type of procedural memory that allows a certain motor task to be performed without conscious effort, you never know when it’s going to kick in.

And kick in it did.

For you to fully understand, I’d suggest you take a quick peek at the video for I Would Die 4 U by Prince. You know the little hand movements he and his bandmates are does while singing “I would die for you”? I started doing them. I don’t ever remember learning them, but there I was at 75 mph doing them. Over and over.

Not only that, but I started doing the entire dance.

 

**Disclaimer: No he didn’t. Only a few parts… and not well.

 

After one particular shimmy I realized I’d shimmied right over to the passenger seat. While the shimmy was all Prince, there must have been a little James Brown in it because while my right foot sat in front of me, my left foot was still on the gas pedal. And I don’t remember how it got there. Fancy footwork was afoot.  (Which is a hell of sentence) All I know is that it (my left foot) was going to take full advantage of the moment. The left foot never really gets a chance to accelerate/shine so it went for it.

It pushed the pedal down hard.

Do you think Price gave a shit? Hell no, he was just getting rolling. As was I.

 

**Disclaimer: Sadly Prince is dead, so therefore could not possibly have an opinion on the matter

 

You might want to watch the video again to get an idea of the pointing, finger licking and hair flipping that was going on in my car at 90 mph. I didn’t realize that Purple Rain had made such an impression on me but there it was. I actually ripped my shirt open. Button were lost in the transaction. If Appollonia herself had seen me drive by she would have jumped in her car and given hot pursuit.

 

**Disclaimer: No. No she wouldn’t have. That’s a hard no.

 

For those of you who regularly visit this page, you might think that this story is similar to the one I told about what happened when I heard Feelin’ Stronger Every Day on the radio while driving. It’s not. It’s totally different.

 

**Disclaimer: No it’s not. It’s almost identical.

 

**Disclaimer: Driving in a car with Mr. Manion is not advisable.

 

**Disclaimer: He’s probably going to post the song lyrics now.

 

I’m not a woman
I’m not a man
I am something that you’ll never understand

I’ll never beat you
I’ll never lie
And if you’re evil I’ll forgive you by and by

‘Cause you, I would die for you, yeah
Darling if you want me to
You, I would die for you

I’m not your lover
I’m not your friend
I am something that you’ll never comprehend

No need to worry
No need to cry
I’m your messiah and you’re the reason why

‘Cause you, I would die for you, yeah
Darling if you want me to
You, I would die for you

You’re just a sinner I am told
Be your fire when you’re cold
Make you happy when you’re sad
Make you good when you are bad

I’m not a human
I am a dove
I’m your conscious
I am love
All I really need is to know that
You believe

Yeah, I would die for you, yeah
Darling if you want me to
You, I would die for you

Yeah, say one more time

You, I would die for you
Darling if you want me to
You, I would die for you
Two, three, four you

I would die for you
I would die for you
You, I would die for you
You, I would die for you

 

-Prince

 

**Disclaimer: Told you.

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy