If Facebook Had A Dislike Button by David Royce

I don’t like the idea of a dislike button on Facebook. It would upset the delicate balance already in place there. But there’s talk about adding this addition and I think it’s only fair to explain how this would go.

It’s going to happen to all of us. We’ll be going on with our daily lives unaware of the horror that awaits us. But it’s inevitable. You’ll log on one day and see it. There it will sit. A “DISLIKE” on your post. You’ll be shocked at first. Devastated perhaps. How could anyone in their right mind NOT like what you wrote? After all, it was a picture of a puppy with the words “I needz a huuuuug” on it.

Quite frankly, I’d be surprised it didn’t  happen to me on the first day..

I imagine it would be someone who stumbled upon Facebook looking to stalk that stripper he met in Vegas. He’ll quickly learn that searching for the name “Bubbles” is too daunting a task and start looking around. Then he’ll find it. The one thing that sets him off quicker than an overdose of Viagra. My page.

Perhaps I will write something that’s both erotic and disgusting at the same time. Like, “I stuffed her like a Prius full of fat people”. He’ll assume I’m making fun of fat people. He’ll call his obese friends and urge them all to come dislike and comment on my post. Of course, their pudgy sausage fingers aren’t made for cell phone keyboards, so their disgust will look like this “Tgfsdhd njdhgjd!”. They would try to fix it but by then they’ll be tired from the effort and need another cupcake. So maybe that’s not too bad.

Or maybe I’ll put up a great piece of advice. Like “Fighting over the internet is like being in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you’re still retarded.”. That could open up a can of dislikes. Parents and friends of mentally handicapped people will be outraged that I could be so uncaring of their loved ones. Notice the actual mentally challenged won’t do anything. Mainly because they would have no idea I was making a joke about them. Nope. It would be on their normal minded caretakers to do it for them.

Anyone who knows me, though, knows my mind may be dirty but my heart is pure.(see disclosure at bottom)* I think they’ll see I’m just a big ball of fail myself and am not excluding myself from any conceived insults I may be hurling about.

But the truth is even more shocking than the above mentioned scenarios. I think my first dislike will be an inside job. It won’t be from some random internet perv. It will be one of you. My friends. And it won’t be about weight or mental capacity. It will most likely be about fart and dick jokes.

Someone right now wishes there was already a dislike button. You would be hovering your mouse over that button right now after that last sentence above. And you’re thinking “How dare you bring your flatulence into my internet. And no one EVER wants to hear about your dick”. But, if you’re the one and you’re reading this, please give me a chance to explain first. OK? Slowly release your finger from the right click button for a minute. There you go. Now let me explain.

They say you should write what you know. And I know farts. Since I have no life from which to write about, I go with my strengths. I’m not a social person in my real life. I avoid crowds in general and loud crowds always. The thought of interacting with real other people makes me go a nervous one. I’m at the point where I’m not looking for more friends. The one I have is enough. And even he thinks I’m a shit zipper.

So even though my social life isn’t real, my farts are VERY real. In fact, should you be around when one transpires, you’d know it’s so real it’s almost a solid. And the fact that I can make a sexual innuendo out of almost anything is a skill set I’m kind of proud of.