Interior by Jon Stewart
Two lips and a clitoris do not a vagina make.
Basic anatomy may be crucial to certain biological functions, but we ask more from our vaginas
than almost any other area of our bodies or houses. Phillip Abercrombie outlines these
expectations in The Philosophy of Interior Vaginal Design: “To let in air but keep out rain, to
allow view but maintain privacy, to let in the penis without cold, dust, noise, friction or excessive
heat, and to vary at will the amounts of all these substances.” A heady task for a complex area.
First, we must undertake to determine the actual usage. It has been my experience that most
women vastly underuse their vaginas, thinking of it only occasionally for sex or hygiene. This is
shortsighted. Think of it as nature’s spare room, a multifaceted everyspace. We all know of its
Inherent sexual design, but did you know that some vaginas are used as temporary housing?
People have actually been known to live in a vagina for up to nine months. Uninvited guests can
be a real challenge to the unprepared host. Don’t get caught short.
It doesn’t stop there. I have a friend who lost her ocean-side office space during Hurricane
Andrew. Her business, a vanity boutique supported by a rich paramour, didn’t qualify for disaster
relief. It seemed she was out of luck and out of work. Not so. A little ingenuity and some good
old-fashioned MS know-how had my friend back on her feet in no time. She has been happily
working out of her vagina for eighteen months now and says she’ll never go back to a
conventional space. The convenience and security a vaginal office provides more than make up
for the occasional awkwardness and minor discomfort of answering the phone. Not to mention
it’s a nifty tax write-off.
Here are some interiors that I have experimented with in the past. All three will provide for a
more versatile and productive vagina.
THE VAGINAL OFFICE: Cupboards built into the wall provide efficiency and convenience.
Phone, fax and computer on sliding trays give access to whatever you’re using and can hide away
for holiday office parties. The lamp is a floor model to provide maximum reading potential.
PRIVATE MOMENTS: Your vagina can be a place of serenity and introspection. A porch swing
suspended by birch branches provides a welcome respite from daily travails. A ceiling fan gives
cool relief in any season and some Parisian folding chairs (cushions slip over the back and tie
down) are weatherproofed for unexpected company.
SEX: The sex vagina is sparse but not cold. Few furnishings leave wonderfully open space,
plenty of room for strenuous decadence. Strong horizontal lines on a rattan throw rug give a
lived-in, spontaneous air. Some simple floor lighting is a real space saver and sets a spectacularly
romantic mood. Install a Murphy bed. They fold down for unexpected use. Accidents do happen
and an actual human being may need to bunk here for upwards of nine months. The Murphy bed
says you’re ready for anything. (In the case of multiple guests I recommend Vaginal Trundle
Beds. Comfort and storage during the day.)
The thing to remember: Although the vagina is not on public display, it can still be the
centerpiece of your personal style. Use it wisely. Whether you’re dealing with exterior treatments
or interior furnishings, allow comfort to inspire and utility to inform… and don’t skimp. It’s your
vagina, and you get only one. Follow my simple instructions: you will never again have the
unsettling fear that your guests will know that underneath those sparkling Harry Winston
earrings and formfitting Christian Dior gown lies a vagina from Filene’s Basement.
by Jon Stewart