@hodgetwins https://t.co/5tAraKjVY8 (14 hours ago)

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May
17

Kurt

There is a scene in Marvel’s The Avengers movie where Captain America says to Bruce Banner, an ordinary genius/scientist, that he should consider getting angry and turning into the Hulk in order to fight a bad guy. Bruce turns to him and says “That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.”

Kurt’s secret is that he considers this quote his credo.

The fact that his guiding principle comes from a movie about comic book heroes makes him angry. He’s not particularly fond of irony either.

He doesn’t know why he’s here. Let’s start there.

He doesn’t debate that E =MC2… but why?

“How can I possibly try to figure out why I’m here when I don’t even know why anything is here? Why is here here?”

He rarely gets to the point of being angry about his inevitable death because if you don’t know much about the why it’s hard to get worked up about the when.

“Why isn’t there a rotisserie deck chair?” A deck chair that slowly turns you 360 degrees as you lay there to avoid getting an uneven tan. He came up with the idea and then got angry when he realized he’d never engineer it and patent it and make a fortune.

Bruce Banner could have done it in under an hour.

“Why bother? We’ll all be dead in a hundred years.”

When he did bother it didn’t work out either. It always gets Kurt angry when people buy pets without realizing how long they live. They buy a baby parrot when they move into their first apartment and then three years later their life changes and their stuck looking at a cockatoo that still has ninety seven good years left in it. What are they going to do with it?

30 Tasty Parrot Recipes, self-published by Kurt. Not even his parents bought a copy.

It annoys Kurt that he doesn’t truly understand how cell phones work. “Sure. Cell towers. That explains everything!” He would have been just as irked a thousand years ago, because he has no idea how carrier pigeons could be trained to deliver messages from one spot to another.

He once called the city council to see if they could do anything about noisy birds before 8 a.m.

“We’re all just filling in lyrics to the same Godfather’s chorus; Birth, School, Work, Death.” Kurt is disappointed by their verses and even more pissed off at his own clumsy attempts.

“It’s not a love song. Stop trying to wedge in those types of themes. Life is not a love song. Sometimes there’s just not room.”

He’s angry on a daily basis that the girl he was in love with didn’t return his feelings. It’s not that he doesn’t understand how romance works, he’s done his research, it’s just that he envied her the entire time they were together. Green as any Hulk. He wanted someone to feel about him how he felt about her… so obviously she was going to bear the brunt of this unfortunate reality.

“So we’re just supposed to accept E equally MC2 and not ask why? Can’t we ask why?”

Whenever he didn’t understand things or like the way they turned out this was his go-to question.

What really gets him angry is that if he suddenly came into a lot of money, be it through rotisserie deck chairs (including roasted chicken-scented suntan lotion) or pet cookbooks, he’d be back at that girl’s front door and, what’s worse, she’d probably be happy to hitch her wagon to a wealthy man. He knows this about her and it makes him angry. He knows this about himself and it makes him even angrier.

“But you only live once. You don’t know why, but you do. E can equal MC2 all day long and mathematicians can claim they figured out a formula for love but all I know, if you can know anything, which I don’t think you can, is that I like being with her. She makes me less angry. She makes me… more.”

But that scenario will never happen because of his investment advisor. His consultant on all things financial believes that retirement savings should be like a bar of soap. Not growing and gaining and making 12% every year, but slowly getting smaller until the shower is over.

“A metaphor. I get it. But what if I outlive my soap?” he demanded.

“Nobody likes the guy that takes all the hot water” came the reply.

That reply made Kurt angry. But then again, his poorly-kept secret is that he’s always angry.

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