legs

(originally posted 1/29/2013)

Whenever I see someone with no legs I wonder if in the back of their mind they expect to one day find them again. I was going to say “stumble upon them” but given they have no legs I didn’t think it was the appropriate word. What I’m saying is that somewhere inside them they have to think that they’ll be cleaning out a closet or something and suddenly see their legs in the back underneath the wrapping paper and scarves. They’ll feel this sudden sense of relief and think to themselves “Wow, that’s going to save me a lot of pushing myself around in that wheelchair” and maybe even “I bet Mary will go out with me now.”

For girls the relief would be even greater given that having no legs greatly effects their sex life. Beyond even the guys that will or will not have sex with a girl with no legs. I mean the act itself. Without legs you can’t spread your legs and that seems to be the zenith of the experience for both partners. The mental and physical act of opening the legs, of offering that area to the man, is about as intimate as the sex gets. Without the ability to allow and give permission I’m guessing it’s a lot less erotic for the man. A girl without legs is always open for business.

You can even extrapolate the experience of finding legs to a creature that never had them. Let’s say for instance a slug. Perhaps even more interesting would be trying to make sense of a slug finding them in a slug closet beneath wrapping paper and scarves. Why he would need wrapping paper and how he could successfully wrap anything without arms isn’t even as confusing as why he or she would own any scarves. Putting that aside for a moment, imagine the unbridled joy as a slug suddenly found himself or herself with the ability to sprint around. Maybe even find grasshopper-like legs and go hurtling through the garden at top speed. A slughopper is born.

And a female slug… with the ability to cross her legs and stop just any slimy Romeo from slithering up and having at her. Now if any male slug wanted to copulate there would have to be chocolate and flowers and soft music and flickering candles like the rest of the animal kingdom. Well, all of the animal kingdom except those animals that aren’t humans.

I guess the reaction would be completely different for those people who had legs and lost them and those that never had them to begin with. You have to wonder if anyone would look at the legs underneath the wrapping paper and scarves for a few moments and then slowly close the door and forget they ever saw them.