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Mar
22

let me catch you up (part 1)

I live on a ¼ acre of property which I must mow every week. It takes me under an hour. If I had more property, it would take longer. If I had a really large lawn, I might have to invest in a riding mower. I was thinking about this as I was shaving and it got me to thinking about if I had a much larger face. Like a face a hundred yards across. I might need a riding razor… but how would that work? Is this what going crazy feels like?

 

My clothes were not ready for the new washer. It spun the hell out of them. When I took out my pants, they had little stars swirling around them.

 

Last year, I tried my hand at having a nice potted plant on my back deck. It didn’t work out. The plant died but I left the pot there. This year, a random weed somehow took root and now it stands about three feet high. It’s sitting in the pot like it belongs there. A fine example of whatever plant species it is. Now I don’t have the heart to throw it out. I wouldn’t want to make it feel like it wasn’t pot-worthy. I’d feel like sort of a plant racist. So now I have a giant weed growing on my back deck.

 

A cobra has enough venom to kill 30 people. It would almost be worth getting bit if I could choose the other 29 people.

 

I was invited to go up in a hot air balloon. Fuck that. Wicker baskets are for holding decorative soaps in the bathroom, not 215 lbs of Manion thousands of feet above the ground. Half of them get blown out to sea never to be seen again and fully 30% of the rest hit power lines on the way down and burst into flames. Fuck hot air balloons and the people who invite their so-called friends to go up in them.

 

While I’m certainly no stranger to dumb thoughts, I might have had my dumbest ever last night. I was thinking about the first animals that evolved eyes and how they probably made a lot of snippy comments to all the other animals that couldn’t see…. no, that’s not the dumb part yet. The dumb part was when I wondered what life would be like if no animals ever evolved eyes. How different human lives would be. We’d have all these cars but nobody could drive them. I know that sounds dumb, but think about it. There are deeper depths of dumbness to plumb. The more you think about it, the dumber it gets. It is jaw-droppingly, staggeringly dumb. I am strangely proud of myself. I might have thought the dumbest thought ever.

 

Wrangler jeans asks in their commercials if I am ready for anything. No. No I am not. In fact, there are very few things I am ready for. I shall not be buying their jeans.

 

Driving home with the windows down, I was hit with a powerful scent of decay. Obviously, a large animal had died nearby. The aroma hung in the air a long time and I realized my nose could still detect it a lot longer than I had imagined I could. I quickly pulled over and got out of the car and started walking back to see if I could locate the corpse using my sense of smell. I couldn’t. I realized I would make a terrible vulture. It was a real bummer as it was the tenth animal this week I realized I could never be. Humans being one of them. This post being a good indication why.

 

Nobody remembers who came in 2nd. Or, in the case of the WNBA, 1st.

 

I read somewhere that flies shit every time they land. Seems like a lot of shit. A lot of pressure to shit. I can picture a young fly getting yelled at by his parents. “What was that?” The young fly’s compound eyes looking down sheepishly. “Now you go back over there and take a shit, mister.”

 

I don’t like the expression “It remains to be seen.” Everything remains to be seen. That’s how time works.

 

I have a lot of respect for evolution. Survival of the fittest, the generational tinkering that takes place. I don’t imagine that the male’s original equipment was as complicated as it is now. The inflating, the deflating, all the blood vessels and pulleys required. I assume at first, men just walked around completely erect 24/7. I wonder what it was that made it so important to hide the size of the penis. Seems like a big undertaking just to keep the size of your rig a mystery. Imagine if female breasts underwent the same machinations. Having to wait until the moment was right to see them inflate to their full size. (Muttering under your breath “keep going… keep going.”) Yep, I have a healthy admiration for evolution.

 

I sleep with two pillows. They’re different thicknesses and I use both of them when watching TV in bed and then flip one up when I go to sleep. Last night, it fell down over my head… which explains why I dreamt I was a sandwich. Obviously, not a meatball sandwich or cheesesteak. I’m glad I wasn’t ham but disappointed I wasn’t HAM (hardass motherfucker). My best guess is a turkey club. Details are fuzzy.

 

Written in the margins of a magazine at the dentist: Papa John… his first girlfriend ended up a topping.

 

The subconscious is an amazing thing. Earlier today, I saw a small box containing wax strips to remove hair. The brand name was written in cursive up and down instead of left to right so it was hard to see clearly. I read it as “Salty Harvest” instead of the correct “Sally Hansen.” I have to wonder what in my brain led me to that.

 

I suggest the next time you walk through a field inhabited by grasshoppers, you take a moment to imagine things from their perspective. How enormous you seem as you approach. It might help.

 

Texans Owner Bob McNair apologized for saying “We can’t have inmates running the prison” regarding ongoing NFL player protests. He explained what he meant to say was “We can’t have people who would otherwise be inmates running the prison.”

 

From far away, a shark’s skin looks smooth and unblemished. When you get closer though it shows the countless scars of battles with other sharks, dolphins and sea turtles. Same as my dick. For the same reason. I’m hoping that one day, I’ll be allowed back into Sea World.

 

If you knew that in 10,000 years the person you are dating’s skeleton was going to be in a museum, would it change the way you treated them?

 

You know how Matt Damon’s character in The Martian felt when he realized his team had assumed he was dead and left him on Mars alone with no way of getting back to Earth? That’s how I felt when my car didn’t start at the mall. Exactly like that.

 

The trunk of an elephant has over 100,000 muscles in it. When I think what I’ve been able to accomplish with my penis, which only has one, I have to wonder what a tremendous elephant I would have made.

 

Can we just end the suspense and accuse every man with a job of improper sexual conduct?

 

You know who I hate? The guy from My Pillow. In his commercials, he lists a bunch of sleeping-related ailments then says “That’s why I invented My Pillow.” He didn’t invent shit. It’s a fucking pillow.

Know who else I hate? The douchebag in the Nationwide commercials who wants us to believe that he and his cool musician buddies sit around singing about insurance. You insincere whore!

 

So gross! I have hundreds of little things growing out of my face and head. Hairs.

 

After watching back-to-back commercials for tactical sunglasses and a tactical flashlight, I’ve decided to become a mercenary.

 

He looked at her and said: “We pretend we’ve lived dozens of lives and have things figured out. We accept at face value the rules of right and wrong offered up by people also on their first go round. The truth is that they could all be robots and we’d have no idea. Perhaps this whole reality thing is an experiment to see if two sentient beings who are meant to be together can find each other among seven billion extras.” She was unmoved by this idea.

 

Saw the first Kellogg’s commercial without a black person in it in the last ten years and it was for Chocolate Frosted Flakes. Racist?

 

If I were one of those guys who competes in World’s Strongest Man competitions, there’s no way I’d help someone open a stuck jar. There’s no upside. If you struggled even the slightest, you know they’d roll their eyes.

 

I think if the zombie apocalypse comes and I get bitten and know I’m going to turn and become one of the living dead, I think I’d take off all my clothes. I’ve never been particularly comfortable being nude but the idea of spending eternity wandering around naked appeals to me. Even though zombies are inherently terrifying, I’d like to think that when survivors get an eyeful of me that, as jaded as they’ve become, they’ll go “Yikes” despite themselves.

 

Does the word “breasts” in Braille have different sized dots? It would seem to save the need for additional words.

 

I like to think that when talk show hosts wake up their first thought is “And we’re back…”

 

The dot over the “I” is called a tittle. The word titillating has three tittles. That has to mean something.

 

And just like that, he was decapitated, his head toppling to the dusty ground. Luckily, I was able to cauterize the wound. He did, however, lose the body.

 

I feel like I’m the only one who cares that Kilimanjaro is nowhere near the Serengeti. Therefore it can’t rise above it like Olympus. Just because they are both in Tanzania doesn’t mean you can lump them together into your shitty song, Toto.

 

If video games have taught us one thing, it’s that whomever designed the vagina didn’t understand the male psyche. It can’t be a “hit it and quit it” affair. It needs levels that can only be unlocked with return visits. Bottom line? A few secret levels wouldn’t kill the vagina.

 

Romeo and Moby Dick: What through yonder window blows?

 

Yesterday, my mom told me how proud she was of me. It felt great until I realized it was only because she isn’t a Viking. Imagine a man of my age and I’ve yet to burn down a single village.

 

If you wish to dream about being a bookmark, it is best to sleep between 19 blankets and 3 mattresses.

 

Our artwork is bigger than our pictures. It usually features more prominently in our homes. Maybe that’s what keeps us sane.

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