let me catch you up (part 2)

You know who I hate? The guy from My Pillow. In his commercials, he lists a bunch of sleeping-related ailments then says “That’s why I invented My Pillow.” He didn’t invent shit. It’s a fucking pillow. Know who else I hate? The douchebag in the Nationwide commercials who wants us to believe that he and his cool musician buddies sit around singing about insurance. You insincere whore!

So gross! I have hundreds of little things growing out of my face and head. Hairs.

After watching back-to-back commercials for tactical sunglasses and a tactical flashlight, I’ve decided to become a mercenary.

He looked at her and said: “We pretend we’ve lived dozens of lives and have things figured out. We accept at face value the rules of right and wrong offered up by people also on their first go round. The truth is that they could all be robots and we’d have no idea. Perhaps this whole reality thing is an experiment to see if two sentient beings who are meant to be together can find each other among seven billion extras.” She was unmoved by this idea.

Saw the first Kellogg’s commercial without a black person in it in the last ten years and it was for Chocolate Frosted Flakes. Racist?

If I were one of those guys who competes in World’s Strongest Man competitions, there’s no way I’d help someone open a stuck jar. There’s no upside. If you struggled even the slightest, you know they’d roll their eyes.

I think if the zombie apocalypse comes and I get bitten and know I’m going to turn and become one of the living dead, I think I’d take off all my clothes. I’ve never been particularly comfortable being nude but the idea of spending eternity wandering around naked appeals to me. Even though zombies are inherently terrifying, I’d like to think that when survivors get an eyeful of me that, as jaded as they’ve become, they’ll go “Yikes” despite themselves.

Does the word “breasts” in Braille have different sized dots? It would seem to save the need for additional words.

I like to think that when talk show hosts wake up their first thought is “And we’re back…”

The dot over the “I” is called a tittle. The word titillating has three tittles. That has to mean something.

And just like that, he was decapitated, his head toppling to the dusty ground. Luckily, I was able to cauterize the wound. He did, however, lose the body.

I feel like I’m the only one who cares that Kilimanjaro is nowhere near the Serengeti. Therefore it can’t rise above it like Olympus. Just because they are both in Tanzania doesn’t mean you can lump them together into your shitty song, Toto.

If video games have taught us one thing, it’s that whomever designed the vagina didn’t understand the male psyche. It can’t be a “hit it and quit it” affair. It needs levels that can only be unlocked with return visits. Bottom line? A few secret levels wouldn’t kill the vagina.

Romeo and Moby Dick: What through yonder window blows?

Yesterday, my mom told me how proud she was of me. It felt great until I realized it was only because she isn’t a Viking. Imagine a man of my age and I’ve yet to burn down a single village.

If you wish to dream about being a bookmark, it is best to sleep between 19 blankets and 3 mattresses.

Our artwork is bigger than our pictures. It usually features more prominently in our homes. Maybe that’s what keeps us sane.