let me catch you up

I live on a ¼ acre of property which I must mow every week. It takes me under an hour. If I had more property it would take longer. If I had a really large amount of lawn I might have to invest in a riding mower. I was thinking about this as I was shaving and it got me to thinking about if I had a much larger face. Like a face a hundred yards across. I might need a riding razor … but how would that work? Is this what going crazy feels like?

Last year I tried my hand at having a nice potted plant on my back deck. It didn’t work out. The plant died but I left the pot there. This year a random weed somehow took root and now it stands about 3 feet high. It’s sitting there in the pot like it belongs there. A fine example of whatever plant species it is. Now I don’t have the heart to throw it out, I wouldn’t want to make it feel like it wasn’t pot-worthy. I’d feel like sort of a plant racist. So now I have a giant weed growing on my back deck.

Was invited to go up in a hot air balloon. Fuck that. Wicker baskets are for holding decorative soaps in the bathroom, not 215 lbs of Manion thousands of feet above the ground. Half of them get blown out to sea never to be seen again and fully 30% of the rest hit power lines on the way down and burst into flames. Fuck hot air balloons and the people who invite their so-called friends to go up in them.

While I’m certainly no stranger to dumb thoughts, I might have had my dumbest ever last night. I was thinking about the first animals that evolved eyes, and how they probably made a lot of snippy comments to all the other animals that couldn’t see…. no, that’s not the dumb part yet. The dumb part was when I wondered what life would be like if no animals ever evolved eyes. How different human lives would be. We’d have all these cars but nobody could drive them. I know, that sounds dumb but think about it some more. There are deeper depths of dumbness to plumb. The more you think about it, the dumber it gets. It is jaw-droppingly, staggeringly dumb. I am strangely proud of myself. I might have thought the dumbest thought ever.

Driving home with the windows down I was hit with the poweful scent of decay. Obviously a large animal had died nearby. The aroma hung in the air a long time and I realized my nose could still make it out a lot longer than I had imagined I could. I quickly pulled over and got out of the car and started walking back to see if I could locate the corpse using my sense of smell. I couldn’t. I realized I would make a terrible vulture. It was a real bummer as it was the tenth animal this week that I realized I would make a bad one. Humans being one of them. This post being a good indication why.

I read somewhere that flies shit every time they land. Seems like a lot of shit. A lot of pressure to shit. I can picture a young fly getting yelled at by his parents. “What was that?” The young fly’s compound eyes looking down sheepishly. “Now you go back over there and take a shit mister.”

I have a lot of respect for evolution. Survival of the fittest, the generational tinkering that takes place. I don’t imagine that the male’s original equipment was as complicated as it is now. The inflating, the deflating, all the blood vessels and pulleys required. I assume at first men just walked around completely erect 24/7. I wonder what it was that made it so important to hide the size of the penis. Seems like a big undertaking just to keep the size of your rig a mystery. Imagine if female breasts underwent the same machinations. Having to wait until the moment was right to see them inflate to their full size. (Muttering under your breath “keep going… keep going”) Yep, I have a healthy admiration for evolution.

I sleep with 2 pillows. They are different thicknesses and I use both of them when watching TV in bed and then flip the other one up when I go to sleep. Last night it fell down over my head … which explains why I dreamt I was a sandwich. Obviously not a meatball sandwich or cheesesteak. I’m glad I wasn’t ham but disappointed I wasn’t HAM (hardass motherfucker). My best guess is a turkey club. Details are fuzzy.