Letter to Nabisco
(originally posted 3/28/2020)
To Whom It Might Concern At Nabisco;
Let me first start by commending whomever it was that first came up with the idea of Ritz Bits. I can’t tell you how many hours in the past I wasted applying peanut butter to your Ritz crackers. The combination is delicious but it got tedious having to set up shop in front of the TV and individually spread the peanut butter on each. When I saw that you were now offering tiny cracker sandwiches with the peanut butter already inside I was overjoyed.
Let me also applaud you for calling the Ritz Bits and not Ritz Bitz. I am not a teenager nor do I work at a skate park.
Here, regrettably, is where this correspondence turns noticeably less enthusiastic.
First of all, after you open the box and try to get at the crackers the bag has obviously been engineered in a way that nobody outside of power-lifters or sociopaths can open it. Pull it from any angle, apply any amount of force and the bag remains steadfastly sealed. I have no doubt whatsoever that elderly men and women have starved to death still clutching a box of your product.
Once the Herculean task of opening the bag within the box has somehow been accomplished the real disappointment sets in.
Having gone online to see the manufacturing process these Ritz Bits go through let me tell you I am impressed. The way the peanut butter is applied and then another little cracker carefully placed on top is truly a marvel of modern automation.
What your video does not show, nor could I find mention of it anywhere on your website (or have anyone from your surly Customer Service Department explain to me), is what happens after the little crackers have been created and carefully placed in their box awaiting shipment.
I can only imagine the following scenario; once inside the box you have some homicidal maniac specially trained in such things shake the living shit out of each and every box before it is given the Nabisco seal of approval. Up and down and side to side until they are absolutely confident that each and every cracker has been separated, peanut butter be damned, from one another, leaving nothing but a box of tiny crackers, no longer sandwiches by whatever definition you choose to use, where half of them have some peanut butter on them and half of them don’t. After this is done I imagine that you load these boxes onto a pallet and just before shipping they are placed in some enormous machine that again shakes the living shit out of them all, just in case two heroic crackers were still somehow attached to each other. I realize the chances of this are slim but it just shows your commitment to fucking up my attempts to enjoy a fucking peanut butter cracker sandwich as I watch TV.
In short, I bought a box of your Ritz Bits cracker sandwiches based on the product highlighted on the front of the box and yet what I got was a box full of cocksucking fucking little cracker fuckers who weren’t attached to fucking anything and, and despite defying the math, seemed like only a third of these ass-eating monkeyfuckers had any peanut fucking butter on them whatsoever.
It is my fondest hope that someone gets off of their ass at the plant and figures out why you insist on fucking your loyal customers in the ass so hard.
Screaming At Snack Foods Near Philadelphia