(Originally posted 12/27/2014. As Madonna plays such an important role in the Nap Lapkin stories, I thought it was important to get to know her a little better.)
When you try and understand why a beautiful woman spends her life going from one perilous situation to another instead of relying on her ample physical assets to provide her a safe and comfortable existence it’s important that you start at the beginning.
Having said that, let’s linger in the present a little longer, i.e. to understand why you would want to start at the beginning you should know why you’d care in the first place.
Madonna Axion is a tall, stunning redhead. The thing is, that thing being what requires you to start at the beginning in the first place, she is a secret agent and her catcher’s mitt had been on the receiving end of more fastballs from nefarious characters than any other woman in the spy game. Whenever there is a need for a beautiful woman to capture the interests of a despot or other menace to society she is the one that gets the call.
She enjoys her work.
The thought of a normal life never occurred to her. From the time she was a young woman she seemed destined for more dangerous paths.
It all began on a family vacation in the Caribbean when she was a young girl. It was the day she lost her father. The official cause of death was listed as a shark attack but Madonna knew better. She was on the dock that fateful evening when the ‘attack’ took place.
Jumping back to the present for a moment, Madonna knew how to keep a secret. It was both a gift and an occupational hazard. Her secret was that she never had to fake it, even with the worst human beings to ever walk the planet. Of course, after climaxing the carriage would quickly revert back to a pumpkin but until then it was all Prince Charming and Sinderella.
And now back to the flashback in progress. Her father had wanted to see if he had the stones to snorkel out to a nearby buoy in the pitch dark so he launched himself off the dock and treaded water and tried to work up the nerve to start his swim. Madonna leaned over and gave him some words of encouragement and eventually he started out. Her last memory of him was how unenthusiastic he was about the endeavor. He started then stopped. Then started again and stopped and looked back at her. Then a large fish brushed against him, the locals said it was more than likely a tarpon, and he had a massive heart attack and died on the spot. The fact that the authorities listed it as a shark attack in order for his family to save face always puzzled Madonna.
Lots of people die of fright. It shouldn’t be a social stigma. Madonna repeated this over and over again until she had to acknowledge to herself it was a lie.
A lot of men have a rather rude nickname for girls with red hair; firecrotch. Madonna found this amusing because although the hair on her head was naturally red the downstairs was as blonde as summer wheat. If David Bowie can have two different color eyes why is it so hard to believe her carpet didn’t match the curtains?
Here’s something important to consider about Madonna Axion. When she was in her high school health class there was rather an odd discussion amongst the other girls, when the teacher was absent from the room of course, about the way their private parts smelled when aroused. It caused a lot of giggling and blushing but also exposed some rather telling information about the way the girls thought about boys. It wasn’t long before they debated amongst themselves what they wished their vaginas smelled like. At first things like flowers and apple pie were offered up as preferred bouquets but eventually they started moving towards what they believed boys would find attractive. Soon they were wishing their vaginas smelled like beer or pizza. Finally all eyes fell on Madonna, given the fact that she seemingly had an opinion about everything, and her one word answer ended the discussion cold.