(originally posted 1/19/2019)
It’s the little things. Little things that keep friends together and little things that tear relationships apart.
Relationships like the one between Mike and Jerry. Roommates for two years, Jerry was almost finished packing up.
Here’s what happened; three weeks ago they had been at a bar having a few drinks when something little happened. Something little that became big.
Two very attractive women and their equally attractive boyfriends were sitting in the booth next to them.
Mike and Jerry were not attractive. Not particularly unattractive but average on their best day.
An argument began at the attractive table and soon Mike and Jerry had no choice but to overhear what was going on. Just before they were about to leave and seek quieter surroundings the attractive boyfriends beat them to it. They left their girlfriends with a barrage of insults and condescending laughter. The girlfriends, seemingly as intoxicated as they were attractive, stood up and, after some whispering and giggling, made their way over to Mike and Jerry’s table.
They sat down, smiled and said “This is your lucky night guys.”
Looking back on it, perhaps it wasn’t such a little thing. Things like that never happen to guys like Mike and Jerry. They were both standing in the living room now, both of them with far-away looks on their faces. As if they were both reliving the events of that fateful night one more time.
“Here’s the thing” began one of the beautiful girls, her ample breasts spilling out of her top, “We want to make those guys regret treating us like that so we are going to sleep with you tonight.”
“Is that so?” inquired Mike.
“It’s so” replied the other beautiful girl.
“And just like that you think we’re going to sleep with you?” Jerry asked, clearly offended by the presumption.
“Yes” said the girl with the spilling breasts.
“Yes” said the other girl.
“Yes” said his friend Mike.
The awkward silence in the living room continued. Had the boyfriends just been nice to their girlfriends none of this would have happened. Jerry and Mike would be sitting playing video games or making plans for the afternoon. A butterfly beats its wings in China and now all of Jerry’s stuff is sitting in boxes waiting to be carried away.
Side note, as a staunch admirer of the subconscious I have to wonder if it was an accident that I typed “wongs” instead of “wings” in that last sentence (reread it please).
“Mike, have some self respect!” stammered Jerry in disbelief. “These girls just want to use us.”
“Of course they do!” stammered Mike, thrilled with the prospect. “What’s wrong with that?”
Jerry just sat there. Apparently stammered out.
The girl with the ample breasts looked at Jerry and added “Looks like it’s a threesome for your friend and another night of jerking it for you.”
And that’s what happened. Jerry sat in his bedroom that night and listened to his friend Mike have a noisy threesome with two beautiful girls.
And he jerked it.
And the friendship could never recover.
The two old friends finally spoke. “So I guess that’s that” said Jerry, picking up a box.
“Yeah… do you need a hand with anything?”
“Nah, it will just take a few trips but I’ll be ok.”
You see, Jerry regretted having self-respect that night. It was to become his biggest regret and he could never admit that to Mike. He couldn’t get past that long night of listening.
Mike assumed that Jerry regretted his decision but could never admit it.
He remembered a conversation they had about milk months beforehand. There were two containers in the fridge one morning, as Jerry was preparing his cereal, and he grabbed the unopened jug and was half way to his bowl before noticing the older one behind it that still had a little left. He put the new one back and finished the other one. Mike thought that was a thoughtful (little) thing to do and mentioned it to Jerry.
“No problem” said Jerry, “I prefer the experienced milk anyway.”
“Experienced milk?” Mike asked.
“Yeah. It’s been around. It’s more comfortable with its milkness.”
“Milkness?” Mike thought to himself. He looked at Jerry and saw that he believed what he’d just said.
“Milkness” Mike thought to himself again. Jerry was leaving. Mike realized that in the end he would have traded a good friend for the threesome with the beautiful buxom girls and now it was time to pay up.
“I wish you’d stay” Mike finally offered up.
They both knew he couldn’t.
Something to do with milkness.