#FedEx https://t.co/T6f3xWuzbx (1 day ago)

news&updates

Sep
24

Mommy, how do you spell sterilization?

So after what seemed like hours of sitting in a lawn chair staring into the void I finally figured out how to solve a problem that has been particularly irritating me lately.

I’m going to write a children’s book. It seems the only way.

And what will this children’s book be about and how will it help solve the problem that has been particularly irritating me lately? I’m glad you asked. Although you will soon see that you’re part of the problem so you might regret asking in the first place.

The book will be about this magical world that is totally made up and in no way resembles the world we currently reside in. In this world, and here’s the big difference, people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and colors but none of them look the same as anyone else so there is no prejudice whatsoever. Because everyone in this magical world looks completely different, everybody is judged solely on their actions and the content of their character. No religions exist and no political parties are needed. No bias and no excuses.

I know … magical indeed.

Let’s call this world Utopia X. Not sure why I threw in the X but kids today seem to like anything with an X at the end of it, so there you go. Utopia X. The people who live there we’ll call Utopians. No X. But this world has a problem that I’m going to ask the young readers to try and solve. You see at first there were only a few Utopians who were stupid, lazy and/or violent and the rest of the Utopians put up with them and went about making Utopia X a wonderful place to live. The problems began when someone noticed that while the responsible, hard-working Utopians were having one or two kids that they took great pains in raising properly each of the stupid, lazy and/or violent ones were having five, six or more kids that they took even greater pains to avoid taking care of. Even preadolescent readers who are bad at math will soon see the problem if the Utopians don’t do something.

I would be interested in hearing the solutions that kids come up with. I guess I’m hoping that when they get older they will hear a story about how on this non-magical world we allow conjugal visits to convicted killers so that they can have yet another baby out of wedlock without the means to provide for it and be reminded of the solutions they came up with for Utopia X.

You see, the next generation is our only hope, because for the last few generations we have to be the biggest collection of gutless turds ever to exist in the cosmos. If someone in Utopia X wrote a book about Earth it would doubtlessly be thrown in the Fantasy section. What intelligent species could ever believe that an advanced civilization could face such a problem and just sit with their thumbs up their own collective asses and ignore it until the whole thing finally collapses?

What I’d really like is for our government to admit that they don’t have the balls to actually deal with our decaying culture and agree to whatever fixes that the kids who read my book come up with. However silly or extreme they might be. The kids will read the book, they will be presented with the simple fact that on Utopia X the stupid, lazy and/or violent people were out-procreating the decent citizens by more than a 3 to 1 ratio, and then the last 10 pages will be blank. My book will include a pen and on the final page of the story, when I’ve explained that for the moment the ratio of good people to bad people on Utopia X is roughly 50/50, I’ll ask them to finish the book and give it a happy ending. However they feel is the best way to deal with the situation, that’s how our government would be forced to proceed.

I can almost feel your cheeks getting flush with indignation. You could never be allowed to read the book because after five pages your brain would go hurtling off into your own dark places and then you’d project all of that shit onto me, the author/messenger. Even now I can feel your brain scrambling to poke holes in the logic of this approach lest you feel that I’m somehow insulting you.

I am.

And myself.

And the crappy unraveling world we’re currently living in.

We really are just going to let it all burn because we don’t have the nerve to speak up, so now I’m turning to the kids before they are poisoned by books written by this degenerate generation telling them that the biggest problem in Utopia X is that there aren’t enough social programs for those stupid, lazy and/or violent Utopians.

Think of the little kids you know and then imagine what they would write. Our only hope may come from the pens of babes.

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy