(55 years ago)

news&updates

Dec
20

monkey business

Do you ever have a thought that offends even yourself? I’m not talking about a secret desire that you wouldn’t want anyone else to ever find out about, I mean something that runs through your head and you can’t believe you ever thought about it.

I’m sitting there watching TV today and a commercial comes on that has these chimps in it. Cute little monkeys pretending to work on a car. No big deal. Suddenly I wonder to myself if I could actually get a pet monkey. That would awesome.

Then I wonder to myself if I could teach it to jerk me off.

What the fuck did I just think?!

If you’ve ever seen a large, strong man cut a log in 2 with one clean downward stroke then you can picture what was going on in my head. One log flying in one direction, the other hurtling through the air in the other. One log being complete shame and revulsion at my own thought, the other log imagining the chimp’s hands. Wondering if they are smooth or rough and if I would enjoy getting jerked off by a chimpanzee.

I know that the human subconscious is a cesspool of immorality and selfishness but I couldn’t believe what was going on in my own head. I actually made a disgusted face.

Then I wondered if it would help if the monkey dressed up in a little dress or cheerleader outfit.

WHAT THE FUCK?! What is wrong with me? I had no control of my own thoughts. I wanted to punch myself in the face. I actually adjusted how I was sitting in some vain attempt to look myself in the face. One minute I’m sitting on my couch watching TV and drinking a Dr. Pepper and the next I’m imagining some poor chimp dressed up like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz playing with my junk. I swear, it wasn’t even sexual per se… just some weird self appraisal of whether I could enjoy getting a hand job from a monkey.

Words cannot express the shame I felt sitting there.

Then my dog walked into the room.

Even he immediately sensed something was wrong.

I rubbed my eyes and looked again.

The jar of peanut butter that had previously been hanging under his chin like those emergency supply kits that Swiss mountain rescue dogs used to wear in the cartoons disappeared.

He turned around and left the room. He actually backed out of the room. Never saw a dog do that before.

I had to see the thought through to its conclusion otherwise I’d be forever haunted by the question. Swallowing my disgust I stopped fighting it and ran the scenario to its finish in my head.

The verdict? I don’t think I would enjoy it due to 1. the noises chimps make. 2. The possibility it would smile at me midway through with those giant ape teeth. And 3. Chimps are amazingly strong and if it got too excited it might rip it clean off.

The shit that goes through my head sometimes…

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

The Forest of Stone

The Forest of Stone

Publication date: January 5, 2024
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Broken World Stories

Broken World Stories

Publication date: April 1, 2022
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Dizzying Depths

Dizzying Depths

Publication date: Jan 21, 2021
Category: Humor

$25.00
paperback buy
$3.99
ebook buy
 

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy