(originally posted 12/7/2012)
Do you ever have a thought that offends even yourself? I’m not talking about a secret desire that you wouldn’t want anyone else to ever find out about, I mean something that runs through your head and you can’t believe you ever thought about it.
I’m sitting there watching TV today and a commercial comes on that has these chimps in it. Cute little monkeys pretending to work on a car. No big deal. Suddenly I wonder to myself if I could actually get a pet monkey. That would awesome.
Then I wonder to myself if I could teach it to jerk me off.
What the fuck did I just think?!
If you’ve ever seen a large, strong man cut a log in two with one clean downward stroke then you can picture what was going on in my head. One log flying in one direction, the other hurtling through the air in the other. One log being complete shame and revulsion at my own thought, the other log imagining the chimp’s hands. Wondering if they are smooth or rough and if I would enjoy getting jerked off by a chimpanzee.
I know that the human subconscious is a cesspool of immorality and selfishness but I couldn’t believe what was going on in my own head. I actually made a disgusted face.
Then I wondered if it would help if the monkey dressed up in a little dress or cheerleader outfit.
WHAT THE FUCK?! What is wrong with me? I had no control of my own thoughts. I wanted to punch myself in the face. I actually adjusted how I was sitting in some vain attempt to look myself in the face. One minute I’m sitting on my couch watching TV and drinking a Dr. Pepper and the next I’m imagining some poor chimp dressed up like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz playing with my junk. I swear, it wasn’t even sexual per se… just some weird self appraisal of whether I could enjoy getting a hand job from a monkey.
Words cannot express the shame I felt sitting there.
Then my dog walked into the room.
Even he immediately sensed something was wrong.
I rubbed my eyes and looked again.
The jar of peanut butter that had previously been hanging under his chin like those emergency supply kits that Swiss mountain rescue dogs used to wear in the cartoons disappeared.
He turned around and left the room. He actually backed out of the room. Never saw a dog do that before.
I had to see the thought through to its conclusion otherwise I’d be forever haunted by the question. Swallowing my disgust I stopped fighting it and ran the scenario to its finish in my head.
The verdict? I don’t think I would enjoy it due to 1. the noises chimps make. 2. The possibility it would smile at me midway through with those giant ape teeth. And 3. Chimps are amazingly strong and if it got too excited it might rip it clean off.
The shit that goes through my head sometimes…