my 600-lb sex life

I saw a commercial for a show called My 600-lb Life and wondered who tunes in. Is it just overweight girls who want to feel better about themselves?

“At least I’m not that fat.”

I could never bring myself to watch it because it wouldn’t answer any of the questions I’d really want to know.

Can she masturbate?

Does she masturbate?

What does she think about when she masturbates?

Does she just want to go all in and have sex with a hippopotamus?

If it works out she could move in with him at his enclosure at the zoo. Spend all day floating in his cement pond.

If a man can identify as a woman why can’t a woman identify as a hippo?

The fact that my thoughts about a 600 lb woman immediately seem almost angry reminds me why I couldn’t really watch the show. It would just be too sad. I would just be so pissed at the woman for letting herself get so fat. Disappointed that a fellow human could end up so pathetic.

Disappointed that she wouldn’t go on Naked and Afraid.

She could sit in a mud pit in Africa for 30 days without batting an eyelash. Lose two hundred pounds and still have a couple months before she even has to worry about food.

Is that how dieting works? I’ve never tried it but it seems logical.

There it is again. The nastiness that comes out when I think about a 600 lb person.

This lumbering thing that no doubt becomes a sucking black hole of need to anyone unfortunate enough to be related to her or come in contact with her.

“Poor me.”

“Help me.”

Salivating when she hears the sound of beeping as the truck backs up in her driveway with her lunch.

Are we the only species that has to worry about obesity? I’ve never seen a nature special about a 600 lb bird that can’t fly. Even elephants seem to wear their weight well. Ironic that the expression “the 800 lb gorilla in the room” talks about an animal that tops out at about 430 lbs (250 lbs for a female). I just think that the moment a female gorilla hits 251 lbs she’s on the treadmill.

Maybe our 600 lb woman masturbates to the idea of being with a manatee.

I’ve been led to believe that some men like overweight woman. Is it possible that someone is watching the show for the same reason that others watch porn?

If you think I’m disappointed by the 600 lb woman then you have an idea of just how revolted I’d be with the man watching the show with his pants down and a box of Kleenex. Just the fact that this might actually be happening makes me want to have humanity step aside and let some other species have a shot at running things.

There must be something terribly wrong with all of us. Somewhere in our DNA this little scenario became possible.

You could balloon up to 600 lbs.

I could find that hot.

Why is this show on television? There is nothing to be learned from it. It’s the old-time freak show televised so that we don’t even have to head down to the carnival to see these people. We can enjoy spewing derision and contempt (and somehow feel better about ourselves in the process) from the comfort of our own homes. If you’re overweight and want to feel better about your body then watch The Biggest Loser. At least these folks are trying.

Just think of all the time and financial resources that this 600 lb woman is taking away from society and contributing nothing. It takes a village just to feed and wash this cow.

There it is again. The anger. Pissed off that somewhere there is a father whose daughter is the star of her own show on TV and yet he’s not walking around telling people to tune in.

I guess all I can do is just hope that it works out between her and the hippo.