Nap and the Mammoth Undertaking (part 6)

The security at Hans von Oofnik’s secret lair had been briefed to watch all ventilation shafts with particular interest and shoot on site anyone claiming to be a computer repairman. What they had not been expecting were two people to casually walk through the front door. Nap and Madonna strolled in and except for the numerous weapons on their person, it would easy to mistake them for a couple of scientists reporting to work.

The lobby of the building was enormous and currently populated with a number of men in matching uniforms.

“Wow. Nice lobby” noted Nap. “Is this Atenea White?” he said looking down at the marble beneath their feet.

“I believe it is” replied Madonna.

A stocky guard began to reach for his walkie talkie until Nap caught his eye. Nap shook his head slowly from side to side and the man’s hand moved away from his walkie talkie. The man then turned and went to change out of his security guard uniform and begin his new life as anything but a security guard.

“As lairs go, this place is really well done” said Madonna as they made a beeline for a bank of elevators on the other side of the sprawling atrium.

Suddenly there was a burst of gunfire and an unfortunate man wearing an EZ FIX Computer Services hat slumped onto the reception counter and then fell to the floor. The men in the matching uniforms hurried over to make sure he was dead. It was particularly bad timing on the part of the soon-to-be-corpse for him to have stopped in to introduce himself to the company’s IT department.

Nap mentioned how much Madonna’s outfit reminded him of Kate Beckinsale’s outfit in Underworld as they waited for the elevator to arrive. As it was the look she was going for, she appreciated him saying so. After they doors opened and they stepped inside Nap noticed there were only two buttons: Lobby and Subterranean Research Facility. “That’s handy” he thought to himself and pressed the latter. How Deep is Your Love by the Bee Gees played quietly overhead.

“I wonder why they always put the place they do the research so deep underground” wondered Nap, trying to make small talk during the prolonged descent.

“No idea” said Madonna.

When the elevator finally stopped and the doors opened they were both relieved to see that most of the men in matching uniforms were busy looking at the numerous ventilation ducts that seemed to populate every wall.

“Ventilation seems to be a real priority for these guys” Nap said offhandedly.

It was. That and very expensive laboratory equipment. The placed was choked with it. As far as the eye could see. Scientists in white lab coats scurried around and many of the machines featured flashing lights and made beeping noises.

Everything a secret lair could wish for.

The two of them strolled towards the center of the room in the hopes that eventually someone would notice them.

Eventually someone did. None other than Hans von Oofnik. While he wore the same type of white lab coat that the other scientists sported, he had added some gold tassels to the shoulders, like military leaders of Third World countries are inclined to do, in order to stand out. He wanted his outfit to pop. “I see we have company” he said loudly, in the hopes of momentarily shifting the attention of the men watching the ducts.

It worked. Heads pivoted and the sound of guns being cocked filled the room.

“Nice tassels Hans” Nap said. “Now if you will come with us we can avoid any unpleasantries. And by that I mean the two of us having to kill all of your henchmen and possibly some of your scientists.”

The scientists in attendance did not take this news well. In fact, after a few seconds of digesting the information, they all began to run hysterically for the exits.

Just the distraction Nap and Madonna were hoping for. They both leapt behind desks just as the gunfire began. True to his word, they both began killing all the henchmen with ruthless yet elegant efficiency.

Watching Nap in action filled Madonna with the feeling a female peacock gets when she sees a particularly large and colorful male spread his wings. “Nice plumage” she said to herself.

Watching Madonna in action filled Nap with something that would probably cause a particularly large and colorful male peacock’s head to explode. “Nice tits” he said to himself.

Watching Madonna in action filled Hans von Oofnik with the type of thoughts that would cause a female peacock to wish that there was such a thing as a human resources department for birds so that she could report him. “Nice tits” he said somewhat unnecessarily.