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May
19

Nap Lapkin: Terminated (part 10)

“I’ve pretty much brought James up to speed on the situation” said the newest Nap.

“And I’m afraid I have no idea what you want from me” said James.

“Yeah, he seems pretty useless. Plus I have some more bad news” announced the newer Future Nap.

The three figures in the doorway had not moved since seeing the newest Nap. Three mouths hung open. When the newest Nap saw this he remarked “I know right. James Cameron. I’m king of the world!”

Finally Madonna was able to form a semi-complete sentence. “Three … Naps. Three… of… him. In… one… room.”

“Oh that” said the new old Nap rather cheerfully, “Well if that floats your boat get ready to be really floated. There are ten cyborgs headed in our direction even as I speak.”

“Ten?” inquired Nap, Nap, Madonna and James.

“Yeah… well. Long story short, our son was a dud in the hero department. Growing up knowing what was coming didn’t really have the effect on him we were hoping for. He never really took the war seriously.” New old Nap got a faraway look on his face.

“What did I tell you about destiny Nap?” snapped Madonna.

All three Naps looked at their feet.

“Wait, why am I looking at my feet?” said the Present Nap. “I haven’t done anything wrong yet.”

Old Future Nap turned and looked at James Cameron extremely dramatically. “You don’t happen to know where we can find ten four hundred ton hydraulic presses do you?”

“No I don’t, but I have to ask… have you ever done any acting?” said a clearly impressed James Cameron.

Just as a flattered Future Nap was about to launch into a monologue from Approaching Zanzibar Madonna anticipated such a move and brought the production to a sudden end with a swift slap to the back of his head.

(Just for the record … here is the scene he was about to deliver for Mr. Cameron; Randy Wands, a proud father, speaking about his newborn baby William at the top of Lookout Point: “Forget the sledding… ! My wife and I have already bought him one of those aluminum numbers that looks like a satellite dish. Woooosh…! I can’t wait! My daddy used to bring me up here when I was little. We’d ease down on that old Flexible Flyer and go belly whopping all the way to Nashville and back. My mother’d have to pry us off with a crowbar… and then summers we’d come up here with chili dogs and soda and play our harmonicas. He was good, he was real good. When he got going, the bears would come popping out of those bushes and start stomping their feet like there was no tomorrow…!”)

(You have to wonder if Madonna would have regretted interrupting him had she known…)

(As a side note … where else are you going to read a story about killer cyborgs AND still get a monologue from Tina Howe? Nowhere, that’s where)

“Why are there still cyborgs trying to kill me?” asked a perplexed Madonna, her hand still sore from being a very annoyed Madonna.

The new Future Nap stood up and invited the others to sit while he explained.

“Apparently the original cyborg sent an email to his future bosses upon arriving here asking why they would have only sent one. I guess they read it the second time around so they sent ten this time. Also, I’m guessing that after you squished the last cyborg you left the body there to be discovered the next day by the employees of the used equipment company.”

“I used that as a premise in one of the Terminator sequels” interjected James Cameron, happy to finally have something to interject.

“Oh now you’re interjecting” said new old Nap flippantly. “Now I’ve lost my train of thought.”

“How do we know you’re not a cyborg?” asked Present Nap.

“Honestly, I could be. I’ve sort of lost track.”

“Ok, he’s not a cyborg. Even Allen Turing couldn’t have come up with a more perfect rebuttal” old new Nap concluded.

“You realize all three of you are idiots don’t you?” asked Madonna with a sincerity that stung them all a little.

“What they might not realize is that they are creating alternate realities every time they decide to send themselves back in time.” Now it was finally time for James Cameron to shine. “If the theory of the Multiverse is to be believed, what you’re actually doing is…”

And with that all discussion stopped as the floor rumbled, the walls shook and a deafening explosion sounded somewhere beneath them. Did I mention they were on the 45th floor? Probably not. They were. So somewhere between the lobby and the 44th floor something very bad was happening.

And it more than likely involved cyborg assassins.

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