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May
17

Nap Lapkin: Terminated (part 8)

“Is the last thing I’m ever going to hear really going to be a quote from Conan the Barbarian?” shrieked Madonna as the cyborg was well past the half way point and closing fast.

“So you got the reference? Nice!”

“I can’t believe that the robots are going to win. I wanted our son to grow up and lead the resistance” Madonna said as a powerful hand emerged from the press and was inches away from her face.

“Yeah… about that. It wasn’t exactly our…”

With a final scoot the cyborg was within range of crushing Madonna’s skull in his robot hand when all of a sudden the press sprung to life and squashed him. There was a great deal of crackling, a few showers of sparks and some little bursts of lightening as the press came down but soon all that was left was a single hand sticking out. With a final twitch it went still.

“What happened?” yelled an incredulous Future Nap.

“You forgot to plug it in” said a figure standing along the opposite wall. After waiting a few beats for dramatic effect he stepped out of the shadows.

“Nap!” exclaimed Madonna.

“Younger me!” exclaimed Future Nap.

“How do you lure in a killer robot and not check to see if the machinery is plugged in?” Nap asked. “You guys look terrible. Why did you drive into the back of a truck? Talk about an off day Madonna.”

“Shut up and help me out of here” she said.

 

Apparently the space-time continuum didn’t give a shit that there were two Nap Lapkins standing next to each other. Madonna’s head swan a little bit looking at the two of them side by side.

“So all’s well that ends well I gather?” asked Present Nap as they walked outside to the waiting helicopter.

“Not exactly” replied the elder Nap.

“Why not?” asked Madonna. “I’m alive so our son can lead the rebellion.”

“Lead the what?” asked a clearly confused Present Nap.

“Against the machines. That’s what this was all about” Madonna said, trying to catch him up.

He remained perplexed. “So you really believe that this guy is me from then future?” He asked, sinking deeper into perplexedness.

“I am” said Future Nap.

“He is” said Madonna.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t believe you” said Present Nap.

This is the kind of thing that creates awkward silences and these three had it in spades. Eventually Present Nap came up with an idea to verify his future-self’s status as his future-self. Before you start thinking of ways yourself let me stop you here. You can forget about dredging up some memory that only Nap would know or the name of his first gun.

“If you came back through time, tell me what it was like.” He sat back, very pleased with his little litmus test.

Now it was Future Nap’s turn to look perplexed. Madonna couldn’t help but notice the striking similarity between their two looks. “Honestly I don’t remember much … except for this weird dream I had during the process. I dreamt I was a blood cell in the body of a homeless guy. I was traveling through his shabby system when all of a sudden I felt myself leaving his body and being drained into a bag. I sat in this bag for what seemed like weeks until one day I was put into a healthy body. I distinctly remember feeling exhilarated as I was pumped around my new digs.”

Present Nap took it all in and mulled it over. “That is so weird it has to be true. It’s exactly the kind of dream I would have if I was sent back through time.”

Madonna’s mouth began to move like a fish finding itself on the shore, moving silently until finally a “You’ve got to be kidding” escaped. With a final roll of the yes she was able to move on knowing Present Nap now believed that he was standing next to himself. A quick note though, if you think her eye rolling is done for the day you’re going to be disappointed.

Her eyes had just begun to roll.

To which she suddenly remembered Future Nap’s hemming and hawing when it came to their future son.

“Future Nap, I have a question. You made it seem very important that I remain alive so that our son can lead the resistance but every time I say ‘our son’ you get a peculiar look on your face.”

Future Nap tried unsuccessfully to quickly remove the peculiar look that had crossed his face. He replaced it with a stony gaze.

“I know that stony gaze Lapkin. You told me you came back through time because you loved me” Madonna said icily.

“He… I… said what?” the newer model of Nap piped up rather nervously.

Having used up his time for dramatic pauses Future Nap took a deep inhale and began;

“That is why I came back. The problem is… I’m not the father of the baby. I wasn’t the one who was supposed to come back.”

There was, ironically enough, a pregnant pause. You could see Madonna working it out in her head. Sons and saviors and time travel all in the same pot.

Future Nap, with two people, one of them himself, staring at him intently thought it best to continue.

“Your son’s name is Steve. The father was… or is… or was supposed to be a guy named Kris. I was part of the team that was raiding the machine’s headquarters. We were about to end it all, victory was at hand, when we realized that the robots had sent back an assassin to kill you. So we had to make a snap decision … although Steve had known all along who it was that was going to be sent back. He’d known all along that Kris was his father. Steve and Kris had always had a special bond.”

“Please don’t tell me what I think happened is what happened” Madonna said closing her eyes tight.

“I got jealous. Like I said, I’d always loved you and the idea of another man going back in time to bang you was too much for me.

So I knocked him out at the last minute and took his place.”

The gestation time for a human is approximately nine months. It takes an elephant a year and a half. I mention this because the next pregnant pause was an elephant’s pregnant pause. Easily twice the length of the last awkward pause.

“So let me get this straight…” Madonna finally spoke. “You got jealous… so you replaced the man who was supposed to come back and impregnate me. Thus dooming humanity to either complete extinction or, if everything else breaks the right way, eternal servitude to robot masters. Is that what you’re telling me Lapkin?”

Present day Nap laughed and said “Yep, that’s definitely me.”

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