Nap Lapkin visits Human Resources
“Am I being recorded?” asked the world’s most dangerous agent as he sat awkwardly in a chair that had seen better days.
“No Mr. Lapkin. You are not being recorded” replied the frumpy woman from Human Resources. “This is a safe place.”
Nap Lapkin laughed and said “There is no such thing as a safe place. We’re on Earth and Earth is a very unsafe place.”
The woman who sat behind a desk that had seen better days did not laugh. Instead she sighed and tried to move the meeting forward. “Mr. Lapkin, I invited you here today to discuss a pattern of behavior that was recently brought to my attention. I’m hoping we can have a civil discussion and come to some sort of understanding.”
Nap smiled. Off the top of his head he could remember participating in at least a hundred blatant violations of the CIA’s Code of Ethics, a dozen gross violations of the Geneva Convention and at least a handful of occasions where he did unto others before they could do unto him. He was curious what had landed him in front of an HR woman who had clearly seen better days. He leaned forward in anticipation.
“Mr. Lapkin, I realize that you work in very difficult environments. Environments that require a certain amount of moral flexibility.” She attempted an understanding grin. It did not go well.
Undeterred she continued. “Having said that, there are certain things that we cannot tolerate from our representatives in the field.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere” Nap thought to himself. He sat back and awaited the big reveal.
The woman, reaching around a framed picture of her cat and a mug featuring a heart-shaped picture of that same feline, opened up a laptop and, after hitting a few keys, turned it around so that the screen was visible to the curious agent. A few seconds later the screen was filled with grainy body cam footage of a firefight. At the center of it was an obese woman firing what appeared to be a Type 58 self-loading rifle.
After a few minutes of combat Nap came into the frame behind her. The large woman turned around and began to fire on him, but was too slow. He easily disarmed her and then raised his weapon. The rotund enemy combatant looked into his eyes and said in broken English “Are you taking me as captive?”
“Fat chance” he replied and shot her between the eyes. She crumpled to the ground in the same way an imploding casino crumples to the ground.
The HR woman leaned forward to pause the video then looked back up at Nap and asked “Was that necessary?”
“Absolutely” he said flatly. “She remained a threat to me and my unit.”
“I’m not talking about your decision to kill her. I’m talking about you body-shaming her. The last words that woman heard were you making fun of her weight. Was that really necessary?”
Nap remained flatly. Flatter than that if possible. Finally he uttered the words “Body shaming?”
“Yes Mr. Lapkin. Bady-shaming. Do you have any excuse for this behavior?” asked the HR woman.
Nap Lapkin prided himself on being ready for anything. He was clearly not prepared for this. If he had been armed he would have blasted his way out of the office, but as he had left his sidearm in his car he simply sat there dumbfounded. “Body shaming?” he repeated weakly.
Trying to rally he offered “But I shot her in the face. She was defenseless. And you’re worried about what I said?”
The HR woman hit a button and the footage continued. In the video another man dressed in black head to toe walks up to Nap and says “She fell like a ton of bricks”, to which Nap adds “And then some.” Then they both have a good laugh.
“Mr. Lapkin” said the clearly-annoyed HR woman, “This type of conduct will not be tolerated. I won’t let it stand.”
Nap made a note to himself to get a copy of the video. He had totally forgotten about the encounter, but it would make an excellent addition to the yearly highlight film he sent out to friends at the holiday. He chuckled to himself and said “And then some.”
“Do you find that funny?” the angry HR woman asked.
“Did I say that out loud?” replied Nap. “I do that sometimes. My bad.”
“Mr. Lapkin, let me ask you a serious question. “If that woman had not been overweight and instead had been a beautiful woman, would you have killed her?”
“Well, if she had been a beautiful woman, she would have never fired upon me in the first place.”
It was the HR woman’s turn to be flustered. Finally she asked “Why is that?”
“Because beautiful people have an understanding.” Nap followed it up with a quick wink.
The woman tried unsuccessfully to digest the new information.
“It’s why I’m the only operative that doesn’t wear a mask. Like… when medics wear a red cross on their chest when they’re on the battlefield.”
He winked again, slowly rose and left her office. The sound of his whistling in the hallway receding thanks in no small part to the Doppler effect.
Emily, the HR woman, sat motionless for a full five minutes after his departure. Eventually she snapped out of her trance and returned to the paperwork stacked on her desk, knowing that later that night she would be reaching under her bed for the vibrator that had seen better days.