Nap Lapkin’s assistant

Of all the burning questions left unanswered by the last Nap Lapkin story, Thunder, perhaps the most perplexing is how in the world Nap had a pair of bowling shoes in the back of his car when he decided off the cuff to go bowling, a sport he had never previously engaged in.

To answer this you really need to go back to Nap Lapkin and the Confusing Story. In this tale we are introduced to Dan, a CIA recruit who asks Nap for some advice after hearing him speak in front of a new class of wanna-be agents. At the time he was simply called Dan because his last name was Brown and there was already a running joke about Dan Brown being a superior writer than myself and it would have just complicated everything.

And yes, I’m well aware that Dan Brown (the author) would never clutter up his stories with unnecessary coincidences.

Unbeknownst to either party, their interaction was being observed and, upon graduation from the academy, Dan was offered the position of personal assistant to Nap. An opportunity he leapt at.

Having never required a personal assistant before, Nap agreed to allow Dan to become his with two stipulations; first, and most importantly, that he never again be involved in any story that mentions more than one type of tree, and second, and also most importantly, that he change his last name to Damane.

Pronounced /ðə/ “thuh” + /mæn/ “man.”

“The e is silent. Eerily silent. Remember that” Nap counseled.

He was given a copy of Nap’s apartment key, car key and storage facility key, and from that moment on he was responsible for making sure Nap had anything and everything he needed to execute his missions.

Missions and anything else he happened to be up to at the time.

This was to be done behind the scenes and he was never to speak of the things he did to anyone. Which no doubt cost him a lot of ass, girls would have thrown themselves at him if they knew he was Nap’s assistant, but such was his dedication to his new role that he kept his mouth shut tight.

He was to receive a dossier on any situation that Nap would potentially be involved in and anticipate his requirements.

He ended up being exceptional at his job.

Take for instance the incident that took place in Thunder. He was given a folder with the relevant information and he immediately went shopping. After that was done he drove over to Nap’s place, popped the trunk of his car and put in the following ten items:

1. A stylish pair of bowling shoes in Nap’s size
2. A signed photo-shopped picture of Nap as a boy standing next to bowling great Dick Weber.
3. A copy of Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! (Adventures of a Curious Character)
4. A voice recorder pen with 30 hour battery
5. A box of Magnum condoms (there was no need to ask the size)
6. A magician’s two-piece retractable/collapsible cane
7. A 4G real-time GPS tracker
8. 4 different types of cologne.
9. A Heckler & Koch MP5SD 9x19mm integrally suppressed submachine gun
10. A CD copy of Flat as a Pancake by Head East

I can almost hear you asking “If Nap Lapkin resides in and around the Washington D.C. area and the aforementioned story takes place in Los Alamos, New Mexico, are we expected to believe he drove it all the way out there?”

The last thing Dan Damane did that night was to arrange a limo to pick up Nap and take him to the airport first thing the next morning and a driver to take Nap’s car, a ’78 Le Mans, to Andrews Air Force Base where a C-17 Globemaster III was waiting to fly it to meet Nap in New Mexico.

Any more fucking questions?

Ok, maybe that was a bit out of line.

The point is that Dan does his homework and has a unique grasp on the psyche of Nap Lapkin. Although he still wrestles with why Nap didn’t make his last name Mann and give him a middle name that started with D. To date he has yet to ask Nap. Eerily.

And yes, of course there was a nutritious lunch in the glove compartment.