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Dec
29

Nap Lapkin’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (Part 4 of 6)

The room was spacious and the attention to detail in the furnishings and color palette was impressive. Clearly no expense was spared. Even the sheets where the corpse laid looked like they had a thread count that would make a Duchess choke.

Nap walked over to the corpse. He looked oddly familiar. It was hard to make out where he’d seen him before because he appeared so pale but then Nap noticed the enormous parachute pants.

“Holy shit. M.C. Hammer!” was all he could say.

“You can’t touch that” said a voice mockingly behind him.

Nap whirled to see who it was exiting the bathroom.

It was Dick Clark.

He looked ghastly. Not as bad as his last few years on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve but still terrifying.

““Is that really Michel Germain’s Sexual Paris Pour Homme Eau de Toilette?! What are you … a male prostitute?”

“Shut it Dick. We both know why I’m here” said Nap producing a long stake from the inside of his jacket.

Just as he started to walk towards Dick Clark he sensed movement behind him. It was Ryan Seacrest coming out of the closet (which really shouldn’t surprise anyone let alone a spy like Nap Lapkin).

“And there’s also some Black Suede mixed it” Seacrest noted as the stun gun he was holding made contact with Nap’s back. Instantly 300,000 volts made their way into him.

“It… takes… more… than a … stun” started Nap but Dick Clark obviously knew where the conversation was headed and almost took off our hero’s head with a punch of supernatural force.

All went black for Nap.

“Bring him downstairs to the underground lair” Dick ordered Ryan “and then snap Hammer’s neck. The fool agent interrupted my feeding and I don’t want Hammer having to spend eternity wandering the Earth wearing giant gold lame’ pants. I may be cruel but I’m not entirely heartless.”

I feel like this would be a good spot to remind you to read that last sentence in Dick Clark’s voice. I just get the idea that you’re barreling through this and not really making an effort. For both our sakes I hope you take the time to savor the image of Ryan Seacrest breaking the neck of M.C. Hammer as Dick Clark watches on.

 

When Nap regained consciousness it took him a few moments to process what he was seeing.

“I wanted you to see the full extent of what I’ve been up to.” It was Dick Clark’s voice … so read it as such damn it.

Before Nap was a large open area. Large as in mind-bogglingly large. Strewn around the cavernous space were holding pens, large refrigerator units and antique torture devices. Shackles hung from every wall and most of them were busy shackling. I should have mentioned that most of the holding pens were busy holding.

Please note if you are a big Hollywood producer-type considering turning this into a feature-length film, I am perfectly willing to make the space considerably smaller if budget concerns become an issue.

“What is this place?” was all Nap could get out.

“What does it look like secret agent man?” inquired Seacrest as he stepped out of the shadows to Nap’s left.

As Nap started to regain his senses the enormity of the situation began to dawn on him. His eyes stared at a group of disheveled prisoners in the cage nearest him.

“Is that… are they…?” he began.

“Yes. Those are Dexy’s Midnight Runners” Dick said finishing his sentence. “Well, most of them. I ate the bassist last month.  And before you think too poorly of the treatment they are receiving, they were pretty bedraggled when I captured them.”

“You monster” Nap said bitterly between clenched teeth.

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