National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day (2014)
Last year I had the brilliant idea of starting a new holiday: National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day. It was met with offense by the ugly community and bewilderment by the beautiful crowd. That’s how I knew I was on to something.
I was reminded of that fact during a recent visit to a farmer’s market. Having never before been to a farmer’s market I was not prepared for the ugly people I saw there. It is literally Ground Zero for ugly. I want to have sympathy for my fellow man but holy shit were these people ugly. The kind of ugly you don’t come across every day. The kind where you sharply draw in your breath and shudder a tiny bit. The problem was, at a farmer’s market there is so much concentrated ugly that you walk along sharply drawing in your breath and shuddering so much that it’s all you can do not to pass out into one of the discount meat stalls.
That’s right, I said stalls. Not stores. Stalls.
And I’m not sure why but at least half the people there have a limp. People at farmer’s markets don’t walk around, they hobble. As soon as they injure themselves the doctor must look at them, shake their head slowly and say “It’s the farmer’s market for you.”
If you think with all of our scientific advances that people who’ve had throat cancer no longer talk through a box in their neck think again. Farmer’s markets are choked with people talking through boxes in their neck. They don’t even wear scarves. They just crash around with these big things stuck in their necks and talk their creepy electronic talk as they negotiate the purchase of a talk box made in 1995 at the “Used Talk Box” stall.
Thankfully the sound of the dilapidated shopping carts being pushed around by overweight freaks in velour sweat pants drown out most of the racket. Farmer’s markets are where shopping carts go to die. When a grocery store throws out a shopping cart because it can no longer be pushed around without all the birds in the area taking flight every time someone attempts to give it the slightest shove it ends up at the farmer’s market.
There’s always a pet store there and even the animals are ugly. Ugly fucking rabbits looking through the glass as ugly faces peer back at them.
Hopefully by now you’ve realized how traumatized I was by my visit. I had no idea that things were so bad. That’s why I’ve renewed my enthusiasm for National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day. For awhile I toyed with putting my energies into National Roll A 16+ On A d20 Day but clearly the ugly issue is a far more pressing problem. These fucking troopers are having sex with each other day in and day out and you never hear a complaint. There people are heroes. If you saw some of the hot messes that were shambling around with wedding rings on their deformed, scaly, gnarled fingers you’d want to track down their spouse and give them some sort of award. Last year, when I started this holiday, I had no idea of how terrifying some people were. You would think that there was an underground lab somewhere breeding these revolting creatures.
Women with muttonchops. Men with swaying breasts.
It’s time to act. We can no longer sit on the sidelines and pretend that life is fair. There are empty-headed super models running around without a care in the world, having never once done anything for their fellow man. It’s time for them to take one for the team. A year ago I suggested that if beautiful people and ugly people happened to come into contact on April 2nd that the beautiful people go out of their way to sleep with them. Now I want more direction action.
I want bus loads of beautiful people shipped out to farmer’s markets across the country. I want them to rent a stall and I want them to bang the first ugly person that happens to shuffle in.
No games. No excuses.
It’s the very least they can do.
If you happen to be very attractive … it’s the very least you can do.
Remember the date: April 2nd.
Find an ugly person and have sex with them.