not another fucking spider blog

(originally posted 9/27/2012)

I guess it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of Youtube videos of spiders eating things you wouldn’t even think possible that the thought even occurred to me. There is just something about watching an insect eating a mammal or reptile that fascinates me. It just seems wrong somehow. You would think that if in the unlikely event a snake fell into a web that it would just wriggle its way right out.

Nope.

It hangs there confused for awhile and then only tries to make an escape after the proud owner of the web comes to see what all the ruckus is about and proceeds to start biting the snake. This pisses off the snake to no small degree but the web ends up being a lot stronger than you’d think and before long the snake is all wrapped up and this tiny little spider is enjoying a quick opheodrys vernalis snack.

Some spiders are just so damn big that they just grab shit and sink in the ol’ fangs. Mice are one thing but some of these monstrosities actually attack full-sized birds and bats. Bats!

I sit transfixed in my chair unable to look away.

So it was that earlier today I was mowing my lawn and decided to get underneath the big holly tree out front. I speak as if you know which house is mine and by saying “the big holly tree” you’ll immediately say to yourself “oh yes, the one by the garage”. It is just this type of implied intimacy that explains your love of all things Manion.

So I’m really getting under the tree, knowing that typically I just get close enough to avoid being raked by the unnecessarily-pointy leaves of the holly tree (the one by the garage) and the grass directly underneath sometimes gets a bit shaggy, with the mower and doing my best to avoid getting mauled by the unnecessarily-green leaves when I feel it. The unmistakable feeling of having walked into a spider web.

The mother of all spider webs.

It was huge and stretched from the shaggy grass at the base of the holly tree that I might have mentioned before sits in close proximity to the garage all the way to the gutter that hangs directly above the garage. We’ve all been there, that gross feeling and the inevitability of looking like a complete moron to any onlookers as you try and wipe away the webbing that is invisible to everyone but you. You call out to everyone “spider web!” but to them you just look like you’re having a small seizure.

I was just about to start the webbing retard dance when I remembered all the Youtube videos. So I froze and waited to see what would happen. Sure enough less than a minute later I saw the spider.

It was lurking behind an unnecessarily-pointy-and-green leaf and came out to see what all the hubbub was all about. It took in the scene. It absorbed the situation. At least that’s what I assumed it was doing as it just sat there looking at me stuck in its web.

I have failed to this point to mention that it was a delightful day outside. Upper 70’s, light breeze. The perfect day to stand unmoving in a large web watching a spider take in and absorb things.

Then it started to move slowly towards me.

No way. The spider wasn’t as big as the tip of my dick and here it was wrestling with the thought that maybe, just maybe it could eat me.

The worst part? I got nervous. Just for an instant I swear. I just had this “what if he can actually eat me?” moment. Feeling embarrassed I decided to see this through. As it made its way closer I even wriggled a fingertip as if I was hopelessly ensnared and ready to be digested at the spider’s leisure.

He bought it. Before long he was only an inch away from my face and starting to spin extra silk out of his ass to fortify his hold on me as if he feared I would suddenly realize my peril and make a break for it. I had to admire his pluck. I guess he thought that if he could actually land me that he’d have enough food for pretty much his entire lifespan and then some. Perhaps he was even thinking about the possibility of sharing me and thus becoming the coolest spider in the whole holly tree by my garage and even, perhaps, other nearby trees… be they holly or otherwise.

As dumb as I might have looked to a passerby had I freaked out when I first walked into the web and been flailing around in  my attempt to remove all the web it didn’t hold a candle to how dumb I looked now pretending to be caught in the web for the benefit of the spider. It was only after the fact that this reality occurred to me of course.

But back to the action.

The spider was now only about half an inch from my face. He moved closer and I got a good look. Remember when Arnold was able to pry off the faceplate of the alien in Predator? Oh how I wish I had the intestinal fortitude of Arnold. The spider obviously had Arnold-type-fortitude in spades because he was about to bite me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It didn’t matter I was huge and he was tiny, I broke and ran. His venom might have caused a momentary irritation at best and at no time was I in any peril whatsoever but I ran. I ran.

Screaming.

And flailing.

And the worst part? When I ran the web came undone and the spider landed on my face and a layer of web made sure he wasn’t going anywhere soon.

So the two of us left the cozy confines of the holly tree near the garage and began a less-than-leisurely jaunt to parts unknown. Namely the street at the exact moment a neighbor was driving past.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

That was the spider. Having realized that he was perhaps a bit too optimistic as far as meals go I think he was now just hoping to survive his encounter with whatever it was that mowed the lawn.

After the car had come to a screeching halt. After the explanation. After the humiliation. I returned the spider to his tree and finished the lawn.

Looking back on it I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world and I like to think the spider felt the same.