one of those days…
It’s been one of those days. As I’m eating breakfast this morning I get the sticky chocolate wafer stuff stuck to my teeth but somehow inside that is a lump of ice cream and it’s sitting right next to my tooth. I try to casually remove it with my tongue but then my tooth starts to hurt as the ice cream is wedged against it so I try to use my finger but you know how sometimes you can’t figure out exactly where something is in your mouth, that’s what started to happen. All this time my tooth is exploding in pain like someone has a hot poker stuck right to it (I’ve had it happen, I know) because of the sub-arctic cold of the ice cream and I start screaming and flailing a bit as I try to get this cookie-like adhesive off my fucking tooth but it’s clinging like a living thing to my enamel so I finally have to drop the whole fucking box of ice cream sandwiches and run out of the supermarket. Embarrassing.
Then on the ride home I’m driving down the road and I see this seagull sitting in the middle of the road. I slow down to let him fly away in time but the thing just sits there looking at me. What a dick! The balls on this bird. How does it fly with such huge balls? I can’t believe that I find myself having to do it but I pull around this bird and start to drive away. Then I think to myself “Fuuuuck him!” I stop in the middle of the road and think about what will happen if I let this bird continue this behavior. Maybe the next car will be a nice soccer Mom with 4 adorable kids in the car and she won’t be paying attention and at the last minute she’ll look up and see this seagull with the giant balls (larus cirrocephalus testiculus enormus) and have to swerve off a cliff to avoid him and everyone will be killed. This winged menace will then pass on these lack-of-respect-for-the-rules-of-human-roads genes to countless other gulls. If I don’t act the future will be littered with these feathery obstacles to safe driving and perhaps millions will die because of my weakness.
So I back over the fucker. Thump! Score one for the automobile. Except, like the rest of my day would go, it wasn’t that easy. The gull must have ducked enough to avoid a quick death from bumper-to-beak contact but not enough to avoid getting his wings all tangled up under my car because as I start to move forward again I hear the seagulls screaming and thrashing under my car. “AAAAA’ thump! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAck” thud. This continues to get louder as I start to accelerate. “AAAAAAAAckAAAAk” thump. Thump. In the rear view mirror I see feathers trailing from behind my car like some topless pillow fight at a sorority. lol Sorry about that reference but it’s my blog and I’ll think about what I want to think about ok?
Finally the screaming starts to subside and the thumping turns into occasional soft twitches and scratches under my feet. While the question of how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop goes unanswered I do know how many miles of pavement it takes to get to the center of a seagull. One. Two. Tha-ree. Nothing like crawling under your car to remove a bloody avian corpse to start your day I’ll tell you that much.
I was having such a bad day that I thought I’d treat myself to one of my favorite pastimes. That’s right… 1-900-IMA-SLUT. I figured going to a movie or concert to relax is expensive so what’s $5 a minute to someone who rarely needs more than 4 minutes. The familiar sound of the operator immediately put me at ease and I was asked if I’d like the “new girl”. “Of course I’d like the new girl!” Who wouldn’t?!
“Hello, my name is Shashiprabha. Are you being a cowboy?”
“Sure… I guess.”
“You are saying a mouthload to me.”
Uh oh. Mouthload? Ew.
“I want to be breaking your cock.”
“You what?” I can feel the blood rushing to all the spots it’s not supposed to be rushing at $5 a minute.
“I am wanting to break your cock in my mouth.”
“You mean suck?”
“I am sorry. I don’t mean to suck.” She sounded sad.
“No, no. I mean do you mean suck.”
“I do not mean to suck. I will try harder.”
Ever see footage of an old casino being imploded on the Vegas strip? That was what was happening in my hand. I was up to $10 and going nowhere fast. I couldn’t get rid of the image of the bloody feathers trailing behind my car at 40 mph.
“Listen Shashipraddada… what are you wearing?” I thought I’d start at the beginning. Go old school.
“I am clothed alone in my sari.” She said seductively.
What the fuck is a sari?
“Can you take it off for me?”
“That will require some time.”
“I’m paying $5 a minute here Shashy… lose the sari. You don’t even have to take it off… just tell me you took it off.”
“I am taking it off for you.”
“But I am not actually taking it off for that would take too long for you. I’m now being sooo hot for you.”
When the worlds of phone sex and technical support meet. My mainframe had a glitch that this girl was not scratching.
“I am now being the one getting off with you…. AAAAAAAAAAAck.”
That thump was the sound of my completely flaccid penis hitting the chair.
In my head I heard the lyrics of Break Stuff.
“It’s just one of those days”.
The band, ironically enough, is Limp Bizkit.
“You are really hitting that spot for me. Use that meatman. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAk!”
It’s just one of those days.