one terrible image for you

(originally posted 3/24/2019)

“Dad” began the boy, “You said I can ask you anything right?”

“Of course” said the dad.

“Our dog is a girl dog isn’t it?”

“Yes. Lady is a girl” replied the dad, hoping that was the end of it.

It wasn’t.

“Does she have a vagita?” the boy inquired with a serious look on his face.

“Yes son, she has a vagina.”

“I rub her belly all the time and I’ve never seen it.” the boy stated the gave his dad a look that seemed to indicate that further information would be required to wrap up the inquiry.

“Well, don’t go looking for it” was all his dad could offer.

Unsatisfied with that answer the boy continued. “Does it look like mommy’s vagita?”

His dad laughed. “No. It does not look your mom’s vagina. Can we stop saying vagina now?”

“No. You said I could ask you anything” his son said.

“Ok. What else do you want to know?”

The boy briefly stuck out his tongue and looked upwards in that adorable way children do when they are deep in thought. “Why doesn’t it look like mommy’s vagita?”

The dad gritted his teeth and grimaced in that adorable way men do before having an aneurysm. It took a few moments for him to collect himself. Finally he said “If dog’s vaginas looked like women’s vaginas then it would have definitely changed the course of human history. Especially important breakthroughs and discoveries.”

The boy drew in a deep breath and waited.

“It would have gone”,  the dad raised one finger, “One: fire.”

Obviously he couldn’t have verbalized a colon and, unlike quotation marks, you can’t make “air colons” (although I think if you take the index fingers from both hands, stack them on top of each other and then make a poking movement forward that should make the point sufficiently) so just trust me when I say the colon was strongly implied.

He paused. “Then”, holding up a second finger, “The wheel.”

He took a moment to make sure he had the order right. “And then”, holding up a third finger, “Pants for dogs.”

Everything about the boy’s expression said “And why would that be?”

The dad couldn’t tell his son that if dog’s vaginas looked like women’s vaginas men would probably end up fucking their dogs. He was too young for such information and would eventually grow up and learn this terrible truth anyway.

His son turned up the “Why is that?” volume on his facial expression to ten.

A single “Um” escaped the dad’s lips before he continued. He was actually talking before he knew what words would be coming out.

“Well son, you see… if dogs wore pants… you know those women who carry around little dogs in their purses?”

His son nodded.

“If their little dogs wore little pants then nobody would know if the carpet matched the corgi.”

The dad seemed very pleased with this unexpected burst of wit. His face seemed to beam briefly before realizing that he was talking to a child and the reference would fly right over his little head.

The son looked more confused than ever.

“Pearls before swine” he grumbled.

“A swine is a pig” his son announced proudly. “Does a pig have a vagita too?”

“All girl animals have vaginas” the dad said, hoping to nip the line of questioning in the bud.

“Grasshoppers?”

“Probably.”

“Is an elephant’s vagita huge?” the boy asked.

“I would imagine it is.”

Another long pause.

“Can we go try and find Lady’s vagita?” the boy finally asked.

“Sure.”

And that’s how family pet boundaries get violated.