Finally! The answer to the question "What quote is he going to put on the back cover of his new book?"… https://t.co/uBZknyDRQP (9 hours ago)

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Apr
22

out on a limb

Relationships can be tricky even if you have all of your limbs.

I know, I know. You’ve read a hundred articles in magazines with the same premise, but read on. I feel I make some salient points.

Little things can mean a lot. Especially when both of the people in the relationship have lost a leg.

Is it the same leg?

Huge difference. Especially when buying shoes. Right off the bat people who only have one leg are jealous of people born with two left feet but a couple with two left feet can’t split the cost of new shoes.

Little things like picnics.

Some people with only one leg simply won’t attend them. Why? Because nobody will ‘pick Nick’ for the three legged race if he only has one leg. You can imagine the tension if Nick’s girlfriend, despite only having one leg as well, wants to go to one.

And then inevitably they will get roped into the three legged race.

I’ll give you a minute to imagine that.

The thing is, if the relationship is stable enough and the race goes well at least one of the two people tied together will imagine becoming the first couple to have the surgery to become conjoined twins.

“No more hopping” they will say to the other.

“Quite a commitment don’t you think?” the other will reply then rub their chin with a quizzical look on their face.

It would be much easier to imagine them getting sewn together if they were each missing an arm as well.

Now, of course, there is only a 25% chance that the couple would be missing the appropriate arms and legs to make it really work. Although I’m sure it’s easier to imagine an accident that lops off the arm and leg from the same side of a person, let’s say a mishap at a construction site where a giant window is dropped from a great height and just sheers off the side of a person. Perhaps two panes of glass are dropped and they hit opposite sides of a couple who are already dating. Next thing you know there is a right arm, a left arm, a right leg, and a left leg laying on the sidewalk. Each twitching like the severed tail of an iguana. So much blood.

Yep, relationships can be tricky.

Little things like laying in a hospital bed and wondering if you should be sown onto someone you’re in love with because it would really makes things easier for both of you.

Except for the sex part.

You’re welcome to try and imagine the mechanics of it but I’ll pass.

But does love last when you’re sharing the responsibilities of walking and playing ping pong? Ideally one of the people (or if they are conjoined is it “person”?) was left handed and one was right handed and the more coordinated arms were still present and accounted for. If the remaining arms were the weak ones for both of them then they are going to suck ass at ping pong.

Ok, you can stop trying to imagine a conjoined person trying to have sex with itself now.

Let’s say for a minute that there are existing conjoined twins that are having surgery to split apart but one of them was unhappy about it. Now let’s say that there was a person who only had one arm and one leg that was interested in taking that conjoined twin’s spot on the other twin.

Following me? I know it’s a lot of “let’s says”.

What an awkward first date that would be. Auditioning to be stuck on to someone for the rest of their life.

I wonder what the first thing they’d say would be. Maybe “When life gives you scraps, make a quilt”?

Relationships can be tricky.

So many variables. So many things have to line up. Lefts and rights. Shoes sizes. Hand jobs. Building something new from two parts. Making a totally new creature.

The three-legged race might be a challenge but there’s always bobbing for apples to look forward to.

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