(from the book Dizzying Depths)
Everyone agrees that technology is making the world a smaller place… no wonder the seas are rising.
If you didn’t know about wind, watching a tree sway would be creepy.
Typically, when I see someone dancing like nobody is watching, I want to point out to them that someone is watching.
I was trying to get a wakeup call but I must have hit the wrong button because instead, I got a rude awakening. At six a.m. the phone rang and someone said “First, your grandparents will go. Then, your parents will go. Then, you will go.”
I was sitting on a plane, reading about deep sea fish when the well-dressed man next to me started flicking me with his tie. He kept at it, wiggling it at me until I finally fell for it and tried to grab it. His powerful jaws snapped shut, consuming me in one gulp. I woke up with a start, my knees hitting the tray table.
Nike has announced it will no longer produce Patriots apparel because the team name refers to people who support America.
Somebody had to explain to the word “it” that although it was making it into the title, it wasn’t going to get capitalized.
Someone, one of those Good Samaritan types, approached me on the street and asked if I would donate money for homeless dogs. I said “Absolutely not. They’ll just use it for drugs.” I’m not wrong, you know. Pentobarbital is a drug.
Whenever I hear about activists, my first thought is always, “Get a fucking job.”
Opinions are like assholes -and assholes are even worse.
Every story tells a story.
I watched a kid in a candy store try to articulate how he felt.
Hurricanes aren’t all bad. You never see the beleaguered reporter standing at the end of a pier getting battered by a storm having to brush away flying insects. Too windy. So there’s that.
Watch enough NBA post-game interviews and you realize you’d get more intelligent responses out of horses after they ran the Kentucky Derby.
It freaked her out when I told her I’d butt-dialed her. This was before cell phones. (Go on… picture it)
She was surprised to find him walking around inside her house naked. Even more surprised at the balloon tied around his penis. Happy birthday indeed.
Is everyone really ok with the fact that in ten years, high school American History will be teaching that the captain of the Mayflower was a transgender Muslim?
You know that scene in Lion King where Simba’s dad says “Everything the light touches is our kingdom”? Imagine that scene if Simba had agoraphobia. Now imagine if it was Mufasa.
I was explaining to someone that I didn’t like the chicken I’d eaten the previous evening. I called it unedible. I had started saying un before I knew what word, appetizing or appealing perhaps, was going to finish things off. I corrected myself immediately as I was unhappy with my choice of word. Or inhappy.
I’m old enough to remember when we called people “retarded.” Then it was “mentally handicapped.” Then it was “differently abled.” Now it’s “woke.” I can’t keep up.
Sam rode to the rescue. A happy story. Sam rode into the rescue. Not as happy for the dog. Sam rowed into the rescue. Equally unhappy but probably more interesting.
A new study released today by academics shows a direct connection between ________ and income inequality. (Fill in the blank with anything)
I tried both Hot Yoga and Goat Yoga but neither really worked for me. Then I tried Hot Goat Yoga and fell in love. There’s just something about the little guy collapsing and dying on my back that gets me in the zone.
I laughed when I saw a man with no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet. Hysterical.
Anyone who owns a bullhorn and is not part of law enforcement is probably an idiot.
Why didn’t W get its own name instead of “double U?” To make matters worse, it’s not even a “double U.” It should be called a “double V.”
You know how hard it must be for the folks at Spam to get emails delivered?