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Aug
20

poisoned

(originally posted 8/22/2012)

 

Most days being a writer is nice. You sit down and squeeze out a few words and then go on with your day but some days there is real work to do. The kind of work where one must roll up the ol’ sleeves and get to it with a set jaw and steely will.

This is one of those times because a thought came into my head and, before I could dismiss it or squish it and move on to a less volatile subject matter, it seemed to take root. Then all these other ideas started to swarm around it like vultures. Before long I had no control over the initial idea and wasn’t even sure of my opinion on all the subsequent thoughts that seemed to piggyback unwanted on the original.

Here was what I wondered to myself: “What if semen was toxic?” i.e. when you were climaxing into a female you were actually going to kill her.

Lot of mixed feelings to sort through. Never mind the effect it would eventually have on humans as a species, the very first reaction I had was “Awesome!”

I know, wrong on SO many levels but there it is. Now as writer I have to take the time and sort through this shit because obviously I can’t run around feeling like killing women with my dick is acceptable. Although you could make the case that nobody would ever know, I think that this type of outlook would somehow make it right onto my face and everyone I knew would suddenly draw in their breath sharply upon seeing me and know that something was amiss behind my otherwise cool gaze.

I think the best thing to do here is not recoil in horror but bravely explore the initial response in order to understand it better.

Why would I want to kill the woman underneath me? Why would I want to kill a woman nice enough to let me stick my penis in her vagina? Why, why, a thousand times why?

Here is where being a writer is difficult. If I lacked the type of gritty integrity possessed by the writing type I would immediately jump on the anti-Manion bandwagon and be awash in the gratitude of every reader unfortunate enough to have read my original few paragraphs. I would once again hoist the trembling fist in my own direction and drench myself in derision. But no! Not the writing type. We must forge ahead into unpopular waters even when the word “forge” doesn’t exactly work when I use unpopular waters instead of unpopular territory. I think “sail” would have worked better, but either way there is some forging to be done so here goes.

The dick is nothing but a snake (ask Adam and Eve) and snakes are venomous so how cool would it be not only to have the orgasm, signifying your own triumph as far as passing on DNA goes (in addition to the individual conquest of whatever female is on the receiving end of this act), but actually know what it feels like when a snake strikes and injects its poison into some hapless furry animal?

POW! My dick just killed you! Behold, my mighty instrument!

Awesome!

Shit, I said it again. It’s going to take some mighty good writing to get out of this one.

The concept only works if (a) the poison is fast-acting, and (b) the female doesn’t know you’re packing a poison pill. It also helps to imagine a world where you can just get up and leave the corpse there and you are not charged with the disposal of said female. I think that would take a little of the luster off the entire venture. Snakes have the luxury of just swallowing their victims and moving on.

So we can all agree that this type of thing would be bad and entirely unacceptable. Besides removing any hope of a subsequent generation of people due to the untimely death of every willing female participant, it would also be a great loss because women are not always entirely unpleasant to be around in non-coital situations. Cleary, there are many of them that men would like to have repeat sex with as well. The one-and-done plan as outlined by the poison-penis fantasy clearly wouldn’t be good for anyone in the long run.

Hmmm. I’m re-reading that last bit and I’m just not convinced. Maybe if instead of deadly sploodge I ejaculated an enormous spike that shot through the back of her skull? Less cruel but a lot more mess to clean up.

Honestly I don’t see the big deal, there are numerous examples in the animal kingdom where the female kills and/or eats the male after copulation. Suddenly, I’m a bad guy for having a tiny little daydream about the goose giving the high hard one to the gander?

I’m not even a good enough writer to talk myself into the position I wanted you to take after all the writing was said and done. So perhaps not passing on these genes is best for everyone after all.

Except, of course, for the poor girl who I just killed with my meatstick.

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