proposing a few small ‘tweaks’ to professional sports

I stopped watching professional sports a few years back, exhausted by all the antics of the entitled dimwits and their blatant disrespect of the fans that pay their exorbitant salaries.

I was not alone.

Now the question must be asked, how do they get us back?

Obviously I don’t want to make wholesale changes to any one sport, just a simple tweak to each to make the games more compelling.

Let’s start with the NBA. Make it mandatory that each player wear dress shoes and black socks during the game. Nothing else changes, just the dress shoes. And they have to have leather soles, no rubber, and they can do nothing to make them less slippery. There would be stiff fines for scuffing the bottoms with sandpaper or being caught spraying them with hair spray.

Plus, it would have the added benefit of making the whole affair seem more classy.

Baseball? That’s an easy one. Make it that the first team to score a run wins. If someone hits a home run on the first pitch, the game is over in the time it takes for the ball to leave the park. Done. No hot dogs. No cracker jack.

If it seems that these small ‘tweaks’ seem a bit vindictive, you’re just not taking a moment to appreciate just how game-changing they would be.

Let’s take the NFL for example. In a move that would be celebrated around the world, the football would be replaced by a soccer ball. Making football seem more like ‘football.’ Viewership around the world would immediately jump up… especially when we switch out the soccer ball in soccer with a golf ball.

Not ideal for the fan watching on TV I’ll grant you, but infinitely more interesting for someone who has never enjoyed the sport until this change.

And don’t worry, golf will get to keep their balls. It’s the holes that we will change. The ‘cup’ will go from 4.25” in diameter to the size of an Olympic-sized pool. Putting will become much easier. In fact, so will teeing off, the hardest hole on the course sitting at a par 2.

If it seems like these small ‘tweaks’ might end up humiliating the athletes participating, you are apparently taking a moment to imagine just how game-changing they would be. It is very much appreciated.

On the other hand, if it seems like these small ‘tweaks’ might end up enraging the people that have spent their empty lives rooting for these entitled dimwits, wearing their jerseys and deluding themselves that the aforementioned actually have any attachment to the cities where they currently reside, then you are also correct.

So really, it wasn’t the other hand at all. It was the same hand. The other hand was busy flipping the bird to professional sports.

Don’t worry sports fans, none of these brilliant ‘tweaks’ will ever happen. Professional sports will keep churning out the same crap and entitled dimwits, who would be incapable of holding even the most rudimentary job anywhere else in society, will continue to live in mansions, wear too much jewelry and talk about topics they have no understanding of, until a few years after their career is over, at which time they will end up either broke or doing Subway commercials.

So am I saying there is no way I’m going back to watching professional sports?

Yep. That’s what I’m saying.