questions intended for Henry Winkler but asked to Lance Manion

(Originally posted 4/12/2015. As I have a new book coming out soon I thought I’d get back into the swing of interviews.)

What’s the question that you get asked the most?

“Don’t you think that if I wanted fries with that I would have asked for them?”

And what do you tell them?

I usually smile an awkward smile and back away from them. The line that stops me from grabbing their head and pushing it into the deep fryer is usually so thin that I feel it’s best to just let it go. I sometimes daydream about following them out to their car and gutting them like a fish.

I would have guessed people ask you about your favorite “Happy Days” episode.

It’s funny but nobody has ever asked me that before. It’s an interesting question though. I guess it would have be the one where The Fonz intervenes to save Arnold’s from being shaken down by mobsters. I remember thinking that I would finally get to see The Fonz viciously beaten to a pulp but in the end he once again scares the bad guys away with his tough demeanor. It really did set a bad example for impressionable youth though because later when a local restaurant near my house was asked for protection money I stepped in and tried to act tough and they ended up tying me up in a warehouse and taking a hammer to my toes. To this day they ache whenever I hear that damn theme song.

It’s well known that Fonzie was not initially intended to be the star of “Happy Days.” Do you remember the moment you realized the character had taken on a life of its own?

No. No I don’t.

Were people surprised when you weren’t exactly like The Fonz in real life?

First of all most of my readers have no idea who The Fonz is. My demographic skews a little younger. Sure they might know the iconic name but I doubt they would associate me with it. I’m not sure why you would think that anyone would expect me to behave like 70’s sitcom character. I am in no way similar to The Fonz.

Would you credit that to the longevity of your career?

No. No I wouldn’t. How could not being like The Fonz help my career? I’m a writer. I write dumb short stories that in no way depict me as being a cool leather-clad bad-ass chick-magnet. There is no part of my persona that would need three hyphenated words in a row.

That makes sense! Fans are really excited that you’ll be appearing at the Wizard World Convention in Philadelphia.

What are you talking about? I was never invited to appear at the Wizard Whatever Convention. I don’t even know what that is. I assume it’s one of those weird conventions where everyone dresses up like a wizard and carries around staffs and doesn’t get laid.

What’s the most unusual piece of memorabilia you’ve ever seen your face on?

Well I have shot glasses that I sell with my name on them and a dopey little cartoon I drew but nothing with my face on it … so … um

I don’t recall Fonzie jump roping.

Holy shit. Back to The Fonz huh? What does fucking Fonzie have to do with my new book? I’m sitting here waiting for one damn question that allows me the chance to pitch it. That’s why I agreed to do this. To talk about my book.

Do you have a piece of memorabilia you’ve saved from any of the projects that you’ve done?

No. I don’t have any memorabilia because I write books. I write a blog. There’s nothing to save unless you count the syphilis I acquired while doing research for a story about prostitution.

What would you have done if didn’t become an actor?

Writer. You mean if I didn’t become a writer. Right?

I expected you to say you’d be a writer, since you’ve had so much success with “The Ball Washer” and “Homo sayswhaticus”

Well, they’re both free downloads so it’s hard to classify them as “successful”. That would be like saying someone handing out leaflets outside the peep show booths in Times Square was successful. I try to keep perspective, unlike Henry Winkler who was just interviewed and said that because he is dyslexic and grew up thinking that he was stupid he never thought he’d end up writing a book. He then went on to boast about having written 24 novels in the last 10 years.

They’re children’s books Hank! Any famous retard can churn out that crap. For example … “The Bear That Lost His Penis”. There. Done. A great children’s book. Want another one? “The Zebra Whose Vagina Fell Out”. That’s two in twenty seconds. Want a sequel?  Sure. “The Lion That Found The Zebra Vagina And Ate It”.

Tell us about your new release?

It’s entitled “The Song Between Her Legs” and it’s more of the same. A collection of short stories that are all completely unrelated. Not all of them attempt to be humorous, some of them aspire to just be stupid.