Ramblin’, ramblin’, rammmm ………………………. Blin. (part five)

When he was asked why he prefers older women, he said it was because he needs a lover who won’t drive him crazy. One who knows the meaning of “Hey, hit the highway.” A cougar without all the Mellencamp.  Whenever I see a young person smoking all I can think is that there goes one more fucktard who bought the Philip Morris “Rebel Package.”  Nothing I like more than misquoting people in front of people that aren’t quite sure if I’m kidding. Winston Churchill on war: It’s not about winning or losing. It’s all about having fun.  Although I appreciate the sentiment, having a buffet at a wake is a bad idea. Especially putting a cheese tray on the coffin. It’s just bad taste. Also, however small the room is, don’t put the dips on the chest of the dearly departed. Nobody wants them being lowered into the ground covered in potato chip crumbs.  I would love to see a diagram about what’s happening inside me when I think I’m farting only to discover that the gas is actually retreating back in. A reverse fart diagram. It would be fascinating.  Even if they are proved to be to be accurate beyond a shadow of a doubt, NFL fans will never warm to the idea of psychic officials throwing a flag before the play starts. “Dolphins, #68 would have held on that play. 10 yards. Repeat first down.”  It was so embarrassing. I got caught peeing in a Roadway Inn swimming pool. The worst part was that I wasn’t even staying there. No wait, the worst part was that I wasn’t even in the pool at the time.  I’ve always felt kindly towards farmers, even since the day I spent driving through Iowa with a girl who told me that looking at all the silos turned her on.  If you list yourself as “spiritual leader” or “life coach” on any of your profiles on any form of social media I must insist that you go fuck yourself.  After I sneeze my lungs feel like a street looks after a thunderstorm.  I taught a fish not to swim. It didn’t end well for the fish.  I often think about a world where people are a lot less uptight. Where whenever you were discussing your penis you could just take it out.  I hate when those people that fall over the railing trying to get a foul ball end up dying because then every time I watch the reply I end up feeling bad when I laugh.  As an example of how far women have come in the last 50 years, in many fields they are no longer required to get naked during the interview. Chewing gum, however, is still frowned upon.  While I like the idea of wearing white underwear I just can’t stand the 24/7 concern over being one itch away from needing new underwear.  I was walking her to her car when she said the night was just getting started and asked me to get in. She started rubbing me through my jeans and almost immediately I ejaculated. The night was over after all. Win!  It takes away from your enjoyment of viewing professional sports when you realize that all these famous millionaires are the same dick knuckle draggers that you hated in high school.  Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and give yourself permission to be ok with things.  While it must be nice to have gotten things right from day one, after 450 million years there have to be a few sharks that wouldn’t mind evolution making a small change now and then.  Like horns. Would a set of ram horns hurt anyone? Or a peacock tail?  The line between an old man and a young one is as clear as what they mean when they say that they’re always waking up stiff.  Sometimes all the breathing, pooping, scratching, belching, hiccupping, sweating, peeing, sneezing and farting gets old. Sometimes I just want to be a brain floating in a jar. Stick a probe into my nucleus accumbens every now and again and give it a little juice and I’ll be hunky dory.  The reason nerds love David Byrne (Talking Heads) so much is that he was the first frontman to twitch to the music instead of dancing. If twitching were cool, nerds would own the dance floor. Play the right song and I look like I’m having a seizure.  I enjoy a good po’ boy sandwich but I’m always uncomfortable ordering one from a black waitress. “I’ll have the p … the p … the tuna roll.”   Out on the road yesterday I saw three license plates from Alaska. Three in one day! Damn global warming. How many times at a Japanese restaurant can I hear adults discussing dishes with miso in the name in a serious manner before I begin to rub my nipples and yell “Me so horny!”? Two.  My thoughts on avian drug use? Leave no Tern unstoned.  Getting tired of first thing every morning rolling over and introducing myself to the woman sleeping next to me. It’s time I stopped dating women with alzheimers.   I like to apply the “dance as if nobody is watching” approach to writing. Which, not coincidentally, is true.  I don’t need to stop drinking entirely, just the last few that cause me to vomit through my nose at the end of the night. I don’t need a 12 step program … maybe just 3. 1. The room is spinning, you’ve had enough. 2. Is an a cappella version of “Shoot To Thrill” entirely necessary?  3. Put the bottle down cowboy, the girl you’re making out with has no front teeth.  If people pay a lot of money to spend time in a free fall so as to experience the sensation of weightlessness, why aren’t plane crashes more fun? “This is your pilot speaking. The last engine has given out … you are now free to float about the cabin.”