Ramblin’, ramblin’, rammmm ………………………. Blin. (part four)
. Hey evolution, I realize the importance of procreation and all but do you think you might have overdone it with the number of nerve-endings in the penis? I’d like to get some other shit done as well. The momentary feeling of being pushed back into your seat as the increased acceleration of the commercial aircraft is felt as weight must bore the crap out of astronauts. I think it’s great that they call childbirth “labor.” It gives females a taste of what it’s like to have an actual job instead of just lying around the house all day. The first thing to do at a job interview is explain your skin condition. It’s the elephant in the room so you might as well put it on the table right away. “I see you noticed the red patches …” Had a dream last night and Elizabeth Shue was in it. I didn’t realize after all these years that I was still carrying around pieces of Leaving Las Vegas inside my head. It’s almost worth not seeing a good friend for 10 years just to say “Wow … you really let yourself go. I mean, you look like shit.” The woman, having finished her second glass of wine and harboring a deep desire to marry a doctor, knew exactly where her first date with the proctologist was headed. I hate when I throw something away at a park and, by lifting the lid to the trash can, allow a few flies that were to trapped to get out. Had I not thrown out my trash they would have no doubt met a dark and horrible end. I’m a hero to all the wrong insects. Now just go and annoy everyone at a picnic. How can anyone believe anything that they haven’t argued against with all the sincere passion that they can muster and still found to be true? I hate when all of a sudden out of nowhere I take a really quick deep breath that I hadn’t expected to take. Or authorized. It usually happens when I’m relaxing. If you let your body get away with stuff like that you never know where it will lead. It’s always funny to see what shit men dredge up when they are faced with a physical confrontation. When the adrenaline really starts to flow. You know whatever words tumble out of their mouth will not be true … push … shove … “My urine flow is strong bro!” That’s the spirit … that touched me inappropriately. Cheryl had to admit to herself that the poor showing at the blood drive probably had to do with the new slogan “We want you to give 110%.” Of all your friends with nicknames, “Donuts” is the least likely to enter a marathon. Is there anything worse than waking up with a mosquito bite? Knowing that little bastard was having at you while you slept unaware like you were a vanilla milkshake (or a chocolate milkshake if you’re black … or a teriyaki milkshake if you’re Asian … or camel milkshake if you’re Middle Eastern … or a free milkshake if you’re Jewish … or a surrender milkshake if you’re French). Zombie poetry: “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately/I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life/To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover I had been dead all along.” Some days I feel like the only black hair on an albino’s sack. When I hear a girl brushing her teeth through the door I like to image instead that she is scrubbing her vagina to make it minty fresh. (Note – You have to actually hear the sound of a girl brushing her teeth through a door for this to be funny. I wanted to make sure that you didn’t feel bad if you didn’t immediately laugh at this. When you finally hear it, you’re going to laugh. Girls, you can imagine a man polishing his bung if you like.) (Also note – if you imagined toothpaste dripping out and got offended due to the similarity between it and other bodily fluids … that’s not my doing. You’re just a sick twisted perv.) When you get down to it, most people engage in oral sex for the same reason they rub the tummy of a dog. She is so pretty she has to beat the boys off with a stick. She likes the sound it makes. I had a dream that I was working as an outrider on a cattle drive. When I woke up I had a lot of eye goobers. Don’t try and tell me that these two things aren’t related. What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have a small bowl filled with mints on the counter for when the patrons leave? Do they not know what’s on their menu? They should force their clientele to swim through a mouthwash fountain and then be hustled through a car wash-type exit where they are battered dry by enormous peppermint leaves. Guys, when you have a big meeting coming up where you want to impress, don’t run out and get a manicure. Shiny fingernails are just going to make you feel like a super villain. I lay next to her as she slept and tried to wake her up or at least open her eyes by staring at her and using only my mind. I couldn’t do it. Obviously we don’t have chemistry. It’s a shame that so many stars of great 80’s movies are still alive. I remember one bitterly cold winter night long ago bringing home a fat girl so in case the heat went out I could slit her open and sleep inside her like Luke Skywalker did with his tauntaun on the frozen planet of Hoth. I hate when I jump to conclusions about people. Having said that, I hope the redhead in the Wendy’s commercials gets run over by a cement mixer.