Ramblin’, ramblin’, rammmm ………………………. Blin. (part two)
Bathroom tip #37: If, as I’m peeing, you’re responsible for the series of loud grunts and distressing groans as you pass your 3-flush gorilla turd then at least wait until I’m done washing my hands before you come lumbering out of the stall sweaty and red-faced. Just sit there on the bowl a minute and reflect on the horrible dietary decisions that led you to this sorry incident. I really don’t want to know what you look like. There are far too many adults who heard “wipe that silly smirk off your face” as a child and ended up taking that horrible advice. 5 things you’ll never hear out loud: 1. It goes without saying that I was absolutely emulsified. 2. Needless to say I was completely emulsified. 3. As you can imagine I was totally emulsified. 4. It goes without saying that I was utterly emulsified. 5. As you might guess I was thoroughly emulsified. Why would you never hear these said out loud? I refer you to the definition: e-mul-si-fy verb To create a stable mixture of two liquids that normally would not mix together by forcing one to disperse in the other as droplets. Generally requiring the adsorption of a molecule with solubilities in both to achieve the dispersion. I think if I developed the ability to speak with animals the first thing I’d do is convince the bulls in Pamplona to walk down the narrow cobblestone streets in a relaxed and orderly fashion thereby ruining the encierro celebration for everyone. Fuck St. Fermin. Yesterday I was at a traffic light watching an old guy come out of the post office when out of nowhere a huge truck went flying by and sounded the loudest horn I’d ever heard in my life. The old guy dropped all his packages and just fell over on his side like one of those fainting goats. It was awesome. Don’t ask me how he was and ruin it for me. I don’t understand people who do puzzles. If you like the picture just buy a print. You wouldn’t buy a toaster in 2,000 pieces. Really? What part of “There she is, Miss America. There she is, your ideal” did Iowa not understand? Are we really going to load her on a float and endure her either dropping the bouquet of roses every two seconds or waving that stump around and causing all the children at the parade to have nightmares? We’ve gone insane! We can’t even have a decent demeaning beauty pageant anymore. I accidentally purchased a box of Hot Pockets with the instructions written in Spanish. I found out when I went to see how long to put them in the microwave and it said “2 minutos.” Having no idea what the conversion rate between minutos and minutes is- I’ve never been very good with things like miles to kilometers or Fahrenheit to Celsius- I just assumed it would be roughly the exchange rate of the peso to the dollar. I put the Hot Pocket in for 26 minutes. This was not correct … but the folks from the fire department got a good laugh. When is the last time you saw a retarded person smoking? What does that say about smoking? Even retarded people aren’t retarded enough to smoke. That would make a great anti-smoking ad. A retarded person standing there and the caption says “Cigarettes? What … do I look retarded?” Trying to write but two flies start furiously flying around me and I’m not sure if they’re fighting or fucking but whichever they’re doing they’re doing loudly and I’m sure I’ve read that flies shit every time they land so when they both land on my leg the story is done. Frustrated I begin to stand to start the short walk back into the house when the flies return. They buzz past my head as if encouraging me to continue. So I do. While no one can argue that you’re intentions aren’t good, if you own a funeral home, don’t sponsor a little league team. Just don’t. If you ask me, everyone should be an equal balance of rubber and glue. Which goes a long way in explaining why nobody ever asks me. Let’s take a moment to thank Dr. Henry Faulds for inventing the process of recording inked impressions of “skin furrows” on the finger. The process of fingerprinting was much easier than recording the only other known unique furrows on the human body at the time and quickly replaced taking a print of the suspect’s anus. Both police and suspects everywhere were grateful. Take a look back at criminal files before 1880 and it looks like the most disturbing collection of Rorschach tests you’ve ever seen. Just once I’d like get out of bed like a wrestler about to be tagged in as opposed to wishing I was still blissfully unaware of my surroundings. Hurling myself through the ropes and into my day. “Can you count, suckers? I say, the future is ours… if you can count! Now, look what we have here before us. We got mackerel sitting next to bay anchovies. We’ve got threadfin herring right by horse-eye jacks. Nobody is eating nobody. That … is a miracle. And miracles is the way things ought to be. You’re swimming right now with nine thousand fish from 100 species. And there’s over a hundred more genus nearby. That’s 1.8 million in the possible bait ball. 3.6 million, counting indigenous forage fish, and 1.8 million more, not organized, but ready to school: 5.4 million! Now, there ain’t but 20,000 sailfish in the whole ocean. Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?!” – Cyrus the sardine. If you’re a Native American actor you must be pretty discouraged. They finally make a movie out of the Lone Ranger and you can’t even get the part of Tonto. Tonto! Johnny Depp is the Native American version of Al Jolson. “Me heap love ya’, me heap love ya’ …” The scene in The Shining where he types 100 pages of “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” really seemed to speak to me so I sat down and duplicated it. Of course, with the ability to copy and paste I was able to do it in under two minutes. Now I’m looking for an axe but my heart really isn’t in it. The countdown to an award show for award shows has begun. Theoretically, all you have to do is win “Best Acceptance Speech” one time and then you could win it in perpetuity. It occurs to me that I possess and all the writing skills that most people look for in a homeless person. By noon on any given day the contents of my internet history folder would preclude me from ever holding public office. Or teaching at an all-girls school. Or even showing my face in decent society. Sobering.