reality check please
If swearing to yourself was something people did, then Steve would swear to himself that he didn’t even know hemorrhoids could burst. For the three days after the hemorrhoid had popped out of his ass and sat there like a purple raisin clinging to his anus he had tried his best to ignore it. Ignore the itching and aching as it slowly swelled up until it felt like a walnut between his ass cheeks. It had kept him up the previous two nights and all the Preparation H in the world didn’t seem to have any effect. Still, when he was sitting there and all of a sudden he felt his pants get wet he would have sworn, if swearing to yourself was something people did, that he had shit himself. He was totally puzzled though, he had sharted before but never without some warning or feeling of his bowels loosening.
He ran for the toilet to see how bad the damage was.
He grabbed a handful of toilet paper and dragged it tentatively through the DMZ to see the extent of the shitting and looked down to find the paper soaked and his hand bright red.
He awoke a few minutes later with two clear realizations. The first being that he did not handle the sight of blood very well. The second was he understood why when someone was threatening to jump off a building the police and firemen don’t scramble to make sure that they land on a toilet. If he had to describe porcelain in one word it would be ‘unforgiving’.
His underpants looked like one of those dye packs they put in with the money when they want to screw up a good bank robbery had gone off in his ass. Underpants ruined. Jeans ruined. Chair he was sitting on ruined.
And his ass was still bleeding. He crouched in front of his computer with toilet paper shoved up his ass like some anal tampon trying to find out what was going on in his ass. There was all sorts of advice on what he should have done to prevent the hemorrhoid from bursting in the first place but very little on what to do post-burst other than go to his doctor and he would be damned if he was going to take this little show over to the ER.
So he lay on his couch and shoved more toilet paper in his ass all day and wondered if someone could really bleed out from a hole in their rectum. “So this is rock bottom,” he thought to himself.
Eventually the bleeding started to slow down, which was when he got the heads-up from his body that he needed to take a crap.
Panic swept through him. Panic and the four-egg crab and asparagus with apricot marmalade omelet he’d had for breakfast that was hurtling down the pipes like a runaway freight train. Beads of sweat formed on his brow as he felt the coolness of the seat when he lowered himself onto the toilet. He might as well have been putting his feet in cold metal stirrups because he was about to deliver a half pound bouncing baby turd. His hemorrhoid opened up again. He didn’t even know how to begin to start wiping.
There was going to be shit in his open wound. People worry about a little dirt getting into a cut or scrape and here he was with shit in a giant bleeding hole in his body! Shit! If during an operation a disgruntled orderly snuck in and took a crap into the open chest cavity of a patient they wouldn’t even try to save the poor bastard. They’d hustle him off to the basement incinerator before anyone could find out what had happened. Steve could only imagine his poor white blood cells standing guard over his cut only to see the forces of shit come pouring through bringing every known disease and virus known to mankind. His head swam.
He half-heartedly tried to wipe, shoved another handful of toilet paper back into his ass and made for the couch.
Hemorrhoids do burst and once they do, they never heal because every time you take a dump it rips the scab off and the whole thing starts again until finally you stop eating and die on your couch like Steve did. Well he died on his couch not yours but you get the idea.
So unless you’re reading this on your couch with a huge cut in your ass you should really take a deep breath and appreciate the fact that your ass is fine and life could be worse. Have a great day!
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