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Apr
26

really awful and dull

If I were a fish I’m pretty sure I’d stay close to shore or live in a stream or something. I just don’t think I’d like the idea of things swimming underneath me. I’d constantly be looking under me. I know I’d be just as likely to have a bigger fish swoop down from above and devour me but I think I’d be cool with it. It’s shit swimming underneath me that would freak me out. Even a smaller fish. Or a crab on the bottom scuttling around. It’s just creepy. It wouldn’t be exactly aquaphobia because it’s not the water I’d be afraid of. Technically it wouldn’t be hydrophobia, the fear of swallowing liquids, either because I wouldn’t be actually ‘swallowing’ the water. Granted it might take me awhile to get use to gills instead of lungs… perhaps that first gulp of water might cause me to splash around a bit but once I realized I wasn’t drowning I’m sure I’d adapt. The fish thing would certainly bring up some interesting concerns though… if you were a coprophobic, the fear of feces, you’d have a tough time because you’d literally be swimming in other fishes crap and pee. The alternatives for a fish are limited. On the other hand, a coulrophobic (fear of clowns) could simply avoid reefs where clownfish are known to gather. I’d hate to be an anemone with coulrophobia! That would suck. If I were a fish I guess my phobia would be a combination of aeraeroacrophobia (the fear of open high places) and kinetophobia (fear of movement or motion). Fascinating huh?

Perhaps all puffer fish have aphenphosmphobia (fear of being touched… also known as haphephobia or chiraptophobia. Apparently that’s popular enough up here on dry land to get 3 different names) and that’s why they react so badly. By the way, hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. What sick fuck came up with that to tell his client what was wrong with him? That got me to thinking… what if you were both medomalacuphobic (fear of losing an erection) and medorthophobic (fear of an erect penis)? Why do I know these terms? Mind your own business!

Once again I have digressed to the point of forgetting what the fuck my point was. Is there a fear of not having a point? Homophobia is the fear of sameness, monotony or of becoming a homosexual. Psychologists lump those 3 together huh? If that was a children’s game… which one of those don’t belong? If I had a fear of monotony I doubt I’d discuss my condition with close friends. That’s why I put no faith in psychology, how can that one diagnosis cover all three? And what does this have to do with me thinking about being a fish?! Apparently I have cenophobia, I don’t have catagelophobia and I could have used a pinch of graphophobia this morning for the sake of everyone unfortunate enough to be reading this.

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