Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer (as told by Nap Lapkin)
There is simply nowhere more depressing to be than at a bar approaching closing time on Xmas Eve.
By eleven o’clock, after all the revelers have departed, the only people left are those with nowhere to go and no one to go home to.
Which is why Nap Lapkin, super agent extraordinaire, was perched on a stool and eyeballing a beautiful woman sitting alone. His on-again, off-again girlfriend Madonna was spending the holidays with her family, Nap wasn’t quite ready to be introduced into that heartwarming scenario, so he was hoping that perhaps with a dose of the ol’ Lapkin charm that Santa wouldn’t be the only one coming tonight. Put another way, it was not her stocking he wanted to stuff.
(A bit crude for a Xmas story I’ll admit but when you’re reporting on Nap Lapkin you have to maintain your journalistic integrity and tell it like it is)
Noting what she was drinking Nap procured another and headed over to her table bearing gifts.
“Have you ever heard the story of Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer?” has asked as he sat down next to her.
Startled, she could only look at him.
Noting the name on the employee ID badge that hung off of her t-shirt he punctuated his inquiry with “Erica.” He also noted that she had obviously been working the day before Xmas and a psychological profile began to take shape. (You’ll note that being a super agent involves a lot of noting things)
“May I?” he inquired and, because he’d already sat down and she was unsure of exactly what Nap was asking, she thought it over carefully and decided to remain startled.
“You see Rudolph came up with that other Rudolph. The one with the red nose. Like Rudolph with the red nose this Rudolph wasn’t a particularly strong flyer. But what he was good at was kissing up. Every time Santa would stop by to watch their progress he would go into full ass-kissing mode. Eventually he earned the nickname Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer.”
Erica picked up the drink Nap had brought over and went from a startled state to one that can be best described as a less-startled one.
“Once it was clear to reindeer responsible for selecting the team to pull Santa’s sleigh that our boy wasn’t going to make the cut they reassigned Rudolph to Admin.”
Nap noted that Erica’s posture changed when she heard that. Her ID badge was standard Government Issue. Obviously he had hit a nerve so he went with it.
“You see, what they don’t tell you is that there is a lot more to delivering gifts to every child on the planet than eight reindeer pulling a sleigh” Nap continued.
“I bet” Erica said, nodding her appreciation for those involved in logistics.
“Santa has to find somewhere to land to deliver all the gifts and there are a lot of areas where that is a real challenge. Have you ever seen the movie Apollo 13?”
Erica replied that it was one of her favorites.
Nap noted that as well.
“Well, Rudolph was like the Gary Sinise character. Except in this case Rudolph was in and out of the sleigh simulator dozens of times every Xmas Eve. Working out tricky landings and such.”
“Wow” was all his buxom companion could come up with.
A lesser man would have pivoted and started to ask the woman personal questions in a clumsy effort to move the relationship along but not Nap Lapkin.
Lapkin was a pro. He knew when he was playing a winning hand. He noted the living shit out of it.
He continued with the story.
“The thing that people who live in buildings with state-of-the-art security forget is that the right jolly ol’ elf needs access to their tree. Without Rudolph Santa is sitting outside, bag in hand. Someone has to hack into the system to allow entry.”
Erica smiled broadly. It was obvious her job was somehow connected to IT.
Nap sensed it was time for closing arguments. “One foggy night and Mr. Red-Nose is a household name but slave away behind the scenes for years and you can’t get the time of day let alone a TV special!”
Of all the noting that took place that evening Nap failed to note that he was far more red-nosed than brown in his personal affairs (self-awareness rarely makes it onto holiday wish lists). In fact, a number of health professionals employed by a variety of agencies who’d come into contact with Nap over the years would testify that he was completely and entirely 100% Grade A certified red-nosed. Erica remained blissfully unaware of this fact.
Returning to the action we find Nap reaching a glorious, alcohol-fueled crescendo…
“Have you ever tried to hack into a mainframe with hooves? Have you?! Obviously not because we have hands!” Nap bellowed, clearly carried away with his story. Everyone in the bar momentarily swung their attention his way. He showed them that he did indeed have hands.
After a moment he collected himself.
“Why did you tell me that story?” asked a transfixed Erica.
After mulling it over a bit Nap replied “Because my creator put me here in this bar tonight to tell it to you. I am simply a vessel.”
(Talk about a serious next-level ‘fourth wall’ moment. Is he referring to me or God? I hope you take a moment to fully absorb and double-fully appreciate his reply.)
“Would you like to come back to my place?” inquired his prey, completely oblivious to the ‘fourth wall’ implications.
Well, at the Whoville Tavern they say – that Nap’s large penis grew three sizes that day.