sacred ground and pound

I’m going to have to explain this fast so you can get past the initial shock and disgust of the statement and try to realize that as blasphemous as it is there really is a sincere question in there somewhere. Ok, here goes…

Do gay guys ever think about having sex with Jesus?

Believe me, if there is a hell I’m already on the express so I’m not trying offend just for the sake of offending. What I’m saying is that if God were portrayed as a hot woman I have no doubt that I would occasionally rub one out to her. I can’t help it. I’m a man.

Honestly, after one particularly attractive painting of Mary I was off and whacking it. Maybe it’s the whole “virgin” thing or maybe it’s getting a girl that God himself never actually banged but I have no doubt that if I could have weaseled past those cock-blocking Wise Men I would have hit that.

So the question isn’t really one about the power of lust, that’s assumed, or boundaries it’s just do gay guys find Jesus attractive? Plus, if you throw in the Father and Son thing you’ve got a built-in ménage à trois. If the Holy Ghost wants in, all the better.

I’m not a religious scholar but I’m sure under those robes Jesus has a six-pack and is packing in the penis department. He may be the big guy “upstairs” but I bet the downstairs isn’t lacking either. That has to run through the head of a gay guy as he’s on his knees looking up at his savior. If God was portrayed as looking like Yvonne Strahovski (the adorable and hot-as-fuck Agent Sarah Walker from the TV show Chuck) I know I’d spend half my time in church sporting a raging boner. Just thinking about Yvonne as I’m trying this has me all chubbied (really).

If I had to kneel in front of this woman knowing she had all sorts of super powers? Forget it. I’d spend half my time in confession (and that little booth would end up looking like the ones off Times Square if you know what I’m getting at).

Is it the same for gay guys? That’s all I want to know.

Of course, Jesus was anti-gay so that might be an issue … but knowing guys I doubt that would be a problem. They’d just have to sneak around so they didn’t bump into the gay guy’s other friends. If they got caught you can almost hear the nasty backbiting that would go on.

“Did you hear who Jim’s seeing?”

“I know. I can’t believe it. One minute he’s damning us to hell the next he’s running around in cut-offs and a pink tank top.”

“Jim is such a slut. But did you see the ass on Jesus? He must work out.”

Men can rationalize anything so they’d assume that the immaculate conception was only because God couldn’t stand the idea of having sex with a woman. Of course, this might lead to a little apprehension on the part of whatever gay partner Jesus has because obviously he can impregnate anyone he wants.

I doubt the anal cavity is as forgiving as the vagina if a bouncing nine pound son-of-God decides to come barreling through it.

Obviously I’m employing a few stereotypes here but sometimes if you want answers you have to paint with a broad brush. I know that some gay guys aren’t into beards and some prefer chubby men but I’m talking about your average God-fearing gay guy.

If Jesus had hooked up before his death you know there would have been a lot of finger-snapping at his crucifixion, his outraged partner looking the Roman soldiers up and down and yelling “oh no you didn’t!” and “I’ll have you down in a few minutes girlfriend!”

God looking down all embarrassed.

Ok, the original premise was not to insinuate that Jesus was gay. I apologize. Jesus dug the chicks, not going to argue that. Not even going to dig up certain texts that hint that he was bi-sexual. Not the point of this at all. I don’t want to muddy the waters.

Simply asking if gay guys sometimes look at Jesus and think about having sex with him.

No offense intended.