As close to an honest story as I'm capable of. #flashfiction #shortstory https://t.co/wlp2YyEJw3 https://t.co/blT4yyxljz (2 days ago)

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Mar
7

self-loathing made easy

You know I’ve never actually met a black person that doesn’t think that Al Sharpton is a joke. They are as embarrassed of him as white people are of Kim Kardashian. So why don’t black people come out against him or at least tell him to shut up? Then it hit me … it’s because black people know how much Sharpton annoys white people. Why would anyone want to annoy white people?! We seem like a nice enough bunch, why would anyone want to cause us annoyance you ask? Then it hit me. There are 2 reasons why other races might want to mess with white people.

1. White bicyclists. Everything that other races hate about white people are all wrapped up in one neat little package… the white bicycle hobbyist. You see these douche bags clogging up the roads everywhere these days. It’s not just that they insist on riding on roads that have no shoulder … it’s how they ride on the roads with no shoulders. I swear it takes every ounce of restraint not to run them the fuck over and then back up over their twitching corpses. You’re a fucking bike, get off the road! We all rode bikes when we were 12 … then we grew up! I don’t even think I’d mind so much if it was just some normal looking guy on a normal looking bike. Who doesn’t enjoy a little wind whipping through your hair on a nice afternoon? But like everything that white people seem to do … they overdo it. Overkill on an epic scale. Have you seen the outfits these idiots wear? Are they happy with a t-shirt? No. It has to be skin-tight scientific polyester micro-fibers with the latest perspiration wicking for hot capillary-on-capillary action done in a combination of colors that cause small children to seize at the very sight of them and older people with an ounce of self-respect to point and laugh. Get over yourselves. If clowns could ride bikes ….

Then you get to the bikes … this is where even white people are annoyed by white people. High-tech composite and alloy fames that cost more than most first automobiles. You want to hate a white guy? Ask them about their vibration damping carbon seat stays or their Tektro dual pivot brakes. Then throw in every gadget you can possibly imagine from mirrors to odometers, gel grips to rack & fender mounts. There are people starving in the world Mr. White Guy On A Bike Taking Himself Too Seriously In The Middle Of The Fucking Road. If you want to ride a bike, go buy a Schwinn, put on some shorts and sunscreen and go ride around the park for a little while. Get it you fucking retarded white person?!

2. Miniature houses. Just like bicycles, white people love to take something that is for kids and then go apeshit over it. Take the idea of a dollhouse. Very nice. Cute. Little girls buy them and keep them clean and play house with little dolls. Then white adults take over. The next thing you know you have grown adults spending $50 for a 1/24th scale Tudor crib for their 1/24th scale nursery in their 1/24th scale house! Use 1/24th of your fucking head and grow up. Get a grip on reality. There are people who can’t afford real furniture and you’re searching the globe for a 1/24th scale working Victorian parlor stove. When you finally procure it and get it installed and fired up you’ll still be standing outside like a giant freak looking into your beautiful fake house filled with expensive pieces of tiny shit. Go buy a real person who needs one a real 1/1th scale working stove. They’ll probably agree to let you come over every now and again and look into their window and maybe even move stuff around.

Given these 2 reasons I now understand why Al Sharpton isn’t laughed off any stage he every appears on.

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