she

She is a cave diver. Always off exploring the depths. The dark places most people are terrified to go.

“The closer you come to knowing that you alone create the world of your experience, the more vital it becomes for you to discover just who is doing the creating.”

― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

She is like an apple with the core on the outside, although I know, well… suspect, the sweetness that lies within. I long to see the glow from the fire dancing on her face, but I am never able to get that particular fire lit. I should have paid more attention to the flint and steel portion of summer camp.

I believe that cave divers have spent time thinking about how they would prefer to die, and they have selected drowning. It only stands to reason.

“Both in cave diving and in life, the darkness of uncertainty was beckoning. I was scared, but I knew that if I could be brave enough to step over the brink into the blackness, my eyes would adjust and new possibilities would be revealed.”

― Jill Heinerth, Into the Planet: My Life as a Cave Diver

She’s a lot like fireworks going off at noon. Lots of noise but the spectacular colors are lost on most people. Maybe they’re not used to looking up and straining their eyes. I see them clearly though. Most of the time anyway.

Just the idea of cave diving freaks me out. Standing above some narrow opening. Lowering yourself into the frigid water. The darkness. Most of the time what’s underneath the surface is nothing like what’s on the outside. Like exploring another planet. Knowing that if any of your gear lets you down, you’re dead. If anything shifts down in the winding tunnels, you’re dead. Sometimes, through no fault of your own… you’re just dead. Sometimes I think she is just plain crazy. But who doesn’t love crazy?

“Deep within, there is something profoundly known, not consciously, but subconsciously. A quiet truth, that is not a version of something, but an original knowing.”

― T.F. Hodge

My final words to her, “I can’t spell unrequited without u”, are drowned out by the roar of the boat we had just stepped off of. Unfortunate. But if I’m to be honest with myself, very much expected.

“It is true that the subliminal in man is the largest part of his nature and has in it the secret of the unseen dynamisms which explain his surface activities.”
― Sri Aurobindo