skin deep

When my friends and I are sitting around having a few beers or camping deep in the woods, we’ll often times start quizzing each other about what we find attractive in females and my list goes something like this.

Girls that dye their hair are nice. Long press-on nails, colored contacts and those giant fake eyelashes are cool, too.

I like fake breasts. Not only fake but obviously fake. They have to appear unnatural. If I had to admit one secret fantasy it would be a tit-bag that pops in my hand as I’m squeezing it. Late night at night I can’t help but admit that terms like necrosis, asymmetry and capsular contracture really get the motor running. If a girl already has large breasts then I like it when she’s had reduction surgery. Not sure how they drain those puppies but I sure hope it leaves a mark.

I love giant lips. That “just punched in the mouth” look is what I go for. They can’t be too big. Melanie Griffith had the right idea but didn’t go far enough. When a girl tells me, through smackers the size of donuts, that she got her silicon on the black market I get lightheaded. What can I say? I also like to overinflate my tires a little and my car handles fine.

Also, nothing gets me going like tightly stretched skin around the eyes. Joan Rivers may be getting up there in age but her face simply radiates beauty. When I brush a girl’s cheek gently, I want it to make the same sound as when I rub a balloon. For me, I like eyebrows to look frozen on the forehead like two comatose caterpillars. In a perfect world they react the same when the female is hearing that she won the lottery or someone close to her just got hit by a bus. They don’t move.

Liposuction. Now we’re talking. If me and the boys are gathered around a campfire throwing a few back and exchanging stories, this is where my eyes get that far-away look as I rattle off my list if favorite scars; easily #1 with a bullet are fibroblastic scars. The stuff of fantasy in my books. Next come the hypertrophic scars followed closely by atrophic scars. Last but not least are the hyopigmented scars. Whenever I can get a hold of a brochure outlining different procedures it reads like Penthouse Forum. Usually, I can’t make it past the second use of the word ‘invasive.’

One of the things that most women don’t learn from their beauty magazines is that even if you have a nice healthy head of hair that is no reason not to throw in a few hair plugs. Most of them are shaving their undercarriage these days anyway, why let that hair go to waste? It’s the little things that sometimes mean the most.

Like binding feet. It’s not just for the Asians anymore. A girl hobbles into the bar with “lotus feet” and her dance card is filled for the rest of the night. If she could dance … which of course she can’t. But if she could, she would be no stranger to the dance floor, I’ll tell you that much. Not if I’m in that bar.

People are so hung up on looks. The truth is I don’t much care about how girl looks at the start, but how much effort she put into looking like she does now.

Don’t like tattoos though. Butterflies and hearts just make it seem like she’s trying too hard.

In the end, it’s not what’s on the outside that matters as much as what’s on the inside. Hopefully, a stapled stomach.