songs of innocence and experience

I think I might have stumbled on the most annoying thing in the universe. Ready for it?

People who pretend to be asleep when they aren’t.

Drives me crazy.

I don’t care how many times you study how people sound when they sleep, nobody can pull off that dopey deep breathing stuff. For someone to lay there and try is just insulting. Then they try that lip-smacking thing to add an air of legitimacy.

Outrageous!

I understand not wanting to talk to your partner(s) once in awhile but just have the decency to say “Fuck off. Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk right now.” Don’t lay there and start lightly groaning and rolling around like you’re in some deep R.E.M cycle.

I swear it makes me want to punch them right in the face. I sit there and glare at them. I can always feel when somebody is staring at me so I know that they can feel my eyes boring into their empty head but STILL they lay there acting like they are asleep.

I sit there wishing that I had one of those old-fashioned rifles with the heavy stock. Not to shoot them, just to clobber them in the head with the butt.

Sometimes I just sit there holding my middle finger up inches in front of their head for a few minutes.

Actually, there might be one thing that is more annoying. People who can’t clap. Ever see these people? How hard is it to clap… just bang your appendages together. But there’s something about the way they do it that is infuriating. Some of them only move one hand. The other one sits there frozen, taking it like a bitch in prison. Then there are the people who almost miss every clap.

This is the reason I can’t enjoy award shows on TV. I spend the entire time scanning the crowd for the fucktards who can’t clap. I hope this makes you self-conscious about your own clapping because I’m sick to death with all the bad clappers out there.

Oh… and another thing. What the fuck were the Jews doing in the Sinai desert for so long? For anyone that has read about the Exodus of the Jews from Egypt has to admit it makes for a good read. You got your violence, you got plagues, it has summer blockbuster written all over it. Maybe that’s why there are so many Jews in Hollywood.

Maybe not.

But one thing that has always troubled me was the Jews crossing the Sinai desert. It took them 40 years. The Sinai desert is 200 miles across. They were headed to the “promised land”. You’d think they could have made better time.

40 years to go 200 miles. That’s less than 25 YARDS a day. Escaping slavery and heading to the “promised land”. What the fuck were they doing out there in the desert?? I’m not trying to suggest that they were lazy or unmotivated… I’m just at a loss as to what the hell a bunch of Jews can do for 40 years in the desert.

Now for those who might wonder what they ate all that time the answer is simple. God sent down Manna from heaven for them to eat for the entire 40 years. Whatever Manna is, apparently it was free. I’m sure there were Jews lined up around the tent to belly up to that daily buffet. The obvious question is what do you tip a waiter on a bill of $0? The not-so-obvious question is whether or not anyone got sick of the same thing to eat for 40 straight years. Free or not, from heaven or not, it had to get a little old. You think that alone might be enough for someone to suggest that they pick up the pace. Now I think about it I might have had the obvious question and the not-so-obvious question in the wrong order.

200 miles in 40 years. Not really a great word of the word ‘exodus’ if you think about it. Nobody talks about the glaciers exodus across North America. Actually, if you think about it enough it might not be a coincidence that glaciers are made of ice. When ice moves it is called an iceberg. Sounds very Jewish to me.

Ok, so what were the Jews doing out there in the heat and sand for 40 years? Well for starters we can rule out “getting good at sports” from the list of possible explanations. Maybe accounting?

Whatever it was they were up to no good. Why else wouldn’t someone clear up exactly why it takes them 40 years to go 200 miles. They’re very vague on the topic. Somewhere there is an explanation and I bet it’s not good.

(Off topic but I’m pretty sure that if I was blind I would wear 2 eye patches.)

You think I’m the only petty person in the world? Think again. Just last week I was at a bid opening at a major architectural firm when this guy walks into the room… everybody just freezes. Nobody knows what to say so nobody says a word and this fuckface just sits down completely unaware that he had missed a loop on his belt. You heard right. His belt went right the fuck over one of his pant loops. The air was so heavy with tension that I thought people were going to start to leave.

Somehow we all manage to get through the meeting and, as it turns out, this guy actually was low bidder. Obviously his bid was later thrown out. Are you going to give a big contract to a guy who doesn’t even know how to put a belt on properly? I heard he was fired a few days later. You can’t have a guy running around representing you with his belt sitting on top of a loop.

People think I’m arrogant and have a high opinion of myself. They couldn’t be more wrong. I have a decent self image only because I think so poorly of other people. I grade myself on a curve. It doesn’t take too much to look good when you are surrounded by primates and retards. I really think that shrinks dealing with clients who have poor self images should spend less time trying to build them up and more time trying to tear down others. I’m telling you, it works. Next time you feel a little insecure take a deep breath and then take a good look around. If you take a minute you’ll notice all the people who can’t clap or put on a belt right. It might be subtle but it’s there. The world is full of idiots with their uneven sideburns, lame bumper stickers and jeans that are too tight for their fat asses.

Relax.

You’re fine.

I know this guy who isn’t fine though. One time we were at a party and he looks at me and says he wants to find a girl to “take the business end of his dick”. Now I’m a pretty crude guy at times but that offended even me. Not just for the coarseness of the expression but because of the use of the words business end. Is he trying to make me believe that his dick has 2 or more ends? There’s just one end to a dick right? And business end? Is there any use of a dick that can really called business?

I’m sure that doesn’t stop him from unzipping his pants and announcing that he’s open for it. What’s worse is that there are women who frequent that establishment.

Calling the lapsed Soul,

And weeping in the evening dew

That might control

The starry pole,

And fallen, fallen, light renew