(Sometimes it’s fun to look back. This was posted 7/20/2012, only a few months into the website’s history. Hard to believe it’s never taken off after such brilliant prose as this.)
Just where the fuck do you get off South Dakota? Do you realize that this website has had visitors from every state in this country but you? The balls of you people. Sitting there in the middle of the US ignoring my blogging like you’re the shit. Well let me tell you something people of South Dakota… you just made the list.
By the way, you’ll notice I’m not using as many exclamation points as I use to. I read a book on how to write better and the author was very much against exclamation points. He cited none other than Mark Twain as being in opposition to them so I’m trying my hand at cutting back.
So where was I? Oh yes… South Dakota and the inbred cretins who dwell there. And don’t give me your low population numbers as a defense. Vermont and Wyoming manage to poke their heads in now and again to give a quick look-see at what I’ve been up to so there’s no reason that South Dakota should be such a collective twat about it.
Honestly, not using exclamations points blows. No, actually it blows! It really blows!!
There much better. Now the punctuational handcuffs have been removed I can continue. Can you imagine the reaction of the author of the writing book I read to the word punctuational? He would probably be forced to whip out an exclamation point or two in pointing out that grammaticalationally I am definitely in the shallow end of the pool.
Fuck him. No, actually fuck him!
And fuck South Dakota! Did you know that they are the second-largest producer of sunflower seeds in the United States. Second. Those ball-washers can’t even get their shit together enough to make a run at the top spot. How hard is it to pool all your resources and become the largest producer of sunflower seeds? They can’t even be first in one thing? The fucking state is enormous and everybody knows there is fuck-all else going on in that dusty wasteland. But no, those unmotivated dullards just sit there in the middle of the country in their overalls and straw hats ignoring great literature and being #2 at growing sunflower seeds all day like the tards they are.
I wonder why Samuel Langhorne Clemens changed his name to Mark Twain in the first place. Sounds a bit shady to me. I’m guessing South Dakota is somehow involved. Either way, I wish he’d kept his cakehole shut about exclamation points.
If you, my valued reader (by the way, did I tell you how nice you looked today?), know somebody in South Dakota don’t go running to the phone trying to get them to read my blog. It’s too late! The citizens of that backwards state are dead to me. Dead I tell you! I’ve been online for two months now, they had their chance. From here on out there are only 49 states in my America. North Dakota should just annex them, just make it plain ol’ Dakota and then get to work on finally claiming the sunflower seed title and killing all the filthy Chinese ring-necked pheasants while they’re at it.
Do I come off petty in this?