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squirrel bemusement (a Broken World story)

I need only two things to be happy right now; a few billion dollars and a lifespan of a thousand years or so. Not wine. Not women. Not song.

Allow me to elaborate.

The money? I’d like to genetically engineer pygmy redwoods. Like pygmy elephants and hippos, except trees. Mighty redwoods… that stand only four feet tall. Then I’d like to buy a thousand acres and plant an entire pygmy redwood forest.

Why?

Just to see the reaction of the animals.

Squirrels for instance. The looks on their faces would be priceless. They’d have no idea what they were looking at.

And the deer.

A thousand acres of bewildered animals. Birds and bears alike, bemused down to the last raccoon.

The lifespan part? Necessary to see how forest life changes to adapt to this new environment. Do animals get smaller or more self-confident.

A great thousand-year experiment.

And throughout these thousand years the forest would be managed by an elite team of rangers.

Midgets.

Just when the squirrels were coming to grips with four foot tall redwoods in would charge a bunch of midget rangers.

And if there is a fire that requires firefighters?

Also midgets.

I would call them, in keeping with the theme of the forest, pygmy humans but I have a feeling that they might find this offensive. Also, it sort of infers that they were purposely engineered and I’m sure nothing could be further from the truth.

Although if I had billions to spend, I’m sure I could talk a few of the genetic engineers into poking around and seeing if a pygmy midget would be feasible.

What the fuck would the squirrels make of them?

You can see why I said a few billion instead of just a billion. Making dreams come true isn’t cheap. And yes, I realize that the height ratio of a midget (even a pygmy midget) to a human compared to a pygmy redwood to a normal redwood is way off but I believe that will only enhance the confusion of the forest creatures. Use their burgeoning math skills against them.

Plus, we can’t have our rangers being carried off by ants can we?

So you are now free to go on your way, but I hope you’ll take a few minutes to imagine this pygmy redwood forest on your own time. In detail. Perhaps at sunrise. How majestic and fucked up this forest would be. How from the right angle everything would look perfectly normal… until a fox that seemingly stands sixty feet at the shoulder strolls by. How wonderful it all would be and why in a thousand years it would never get old.

The looks on the squirrel’s faces.

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