St. Cleophis: patron saint of incomplete or abbreviated thoughts

(originally published 12/15/2018)

Like everything involved in religion the truth is not only stranger than fiction, it is fiction. So I feel compelled to add to it.

As you probably know, in the same casual way you know there was a shark involved in Jaws, when you die you end up in front of Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He takes a look at this big book he has and decides whether you spend eternity in bliss or a lake of fire enduring endless torment. Needless to say, the contents of that book seem pretty important.

What you don’t know are a couple things; the first being that supposedly the pearly gates are called that because they (there are 12 of them apparently) are each carved from a single pearl.

That is one a big-ass oyster.

The second thing you probably don’t know, and the basis for this story, is what lurks inside the pages of the aforementioned book. It’s actually harder to believe than an entire gate being made from a single oyster but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Or any more.

Ever heard of Saint Bernard? I hadn’t and assumed there wasn’t one because of the dog. There actually is a Saint Bernard and he is the patron saint of skiing and snowboarding. I shit you not. Now I have to come up with another funny saint name.

Ever heard of Saint Cleophis? I’m guessing you haven’t because I just made him up.

I mean, Saint Cleophis is the guy who fills the Saint Peter’s book with the necessary data for him to make a pretty pivotal judgment when it comes to people walking in the front gate to heaven or taking the elevator down.

And what data might that be?

Here is where it gets a little hard to believe. It has nothing to do with your good works or transgressions against god. Acts of charity or various blasphemes do not make their way into this book. Nope. The only things listed, the only things that ol’ Saint Cleophis manages to include are the words that would have followed every time you ever said “I was about to say…” in your lifetime.

You know those moments when you misheard, misunderstand someone or are shocked by what has just left their mouth and you stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds until someone, possibly the person who uttered the words that had you confused to begin with, clears things up and you exhale, laugh, shake your head and say “I was about to say…” and then trail off?

The thing you were about to say? That’s what makes it into the book.

“That can’t be right!” I hear you saying to yourself.

Oh can’t it?

Is there a moment where your true self is revealed clearer than this?

“How arbitrary!” I hear you saying to yourself and, without sounding pissy, I wish you’d stop saying things to yourself when you’re reading.

Have you read the bible, torah or koran?! You’re going to tell me that this is any more or less arbitrary than some of the stupid shit that goes in those books? Makes Harry Potter look like the instructions for a toaster oven.

If you must, just put it off to Lance Manion working in mysterious ways.

Because I do.

But in this case, I’m just telling you the truth as I know it. When you die you end up in front of a man with a book and in that book is a list of things you thought to yourself after uttering the phrase “I was about to say…” and those things determine where you spend the rest of eternity.

You might want to think about that the next time someone confuses or shocks you.

Actually, I’m just kidding. I just made that whole thing up.

I hear you laughing and saying to yourself “I was about to say…”

(careful!)