stick ’em up

There are so many way to define a real friend. Some people choose their friends by how much they enjoy their ongoing interactions. Other prefer to see how they react in a crisis situation or when they are down on their luck. Some people even study those around them for idiosyncrasies that will tip them off to some positive or negative characteristic that others might not even notice.

Strictly amateur hour.

I’ve found the key to summing people up and it takes all of about two seconds.

Simply look to see how many fingers they use when pretending their hand is a gun.

Let’s get four right off the table. Four isn’t a gun, it’s a fucking karate chop. Don’t be stupid. Nobody behind the counter at a bank is worried about somebody holding them up using karate.

And you can eliminate three because the pinky will never stay in place if one of the other fingers doesn’t also stay there. The pinky is the ultimate follower. It can never stand on its own. I fucking hate the pinky finger. None of the other digits on the hand trust the pinky. Believe that.

If you use no fingers at all then what you’ve got is a grenade right? Pull your thumb and then pretend to hurl your hand. If someone can’t follow instructions when making a gun then they are dead to me.

That leaves one or two fingers.

People who use one when pretending their hand is a gun are lame. Unimaginative. Either clinging to a simpler time or just simply simple. Holding up a gun with a one-finger barrel looks weak. Like one of those pistols you see in old war movies. Sure, it does the job but the guy shooting it usually turns out to have a small penis. I think I’d rather have red ants inserted into my anus then spend 5 minutes alone with someone who uses one finger when pretending their hand is a gun.

And fuck the wannabe gangstas that use two fingers. You want to talk about bandwagon-jumping douchebags … two finger representations of a gun disgust me. The people who then turn their hand sideways are really the only people I know that I wish cancer on. When I see them whip it out I suddenly wish it were a real gun and I could wrestle their hand into their mouth and pull the trigger before they can  procreate.

Now some of you might have noticed that I have eliminated all of the various options for someone pretending their hand is a gun to be my friend. If you count yourself among those who reached that conclusion than you’re an idiot and I’m glad we’re not friends.

To review.

No fingers = hand granade.

One finger = lame.

Two fingers = douchebag.

Three fingers = I hate the pinky.

Four fingers = karate.

I never said I hated the person holding up three fingers did I? I just said I hated the pinky. You’re just not reading closely enough and it probably explains why all your friends are pinkies.

The only people I want to be friends with are those who try and use three fingers when they pretend their hand is a gun. I know the problems that comes with it but that’s exactly the point. Friendships are never easy and you can’t give up on one just because your pinky won’t play ball.

You have to work at it and be happy with whatever results you get. It won’t be pretty and it probably won’t even look like a gun and everyone will wonder what the fuck you are doing with your hand and even say rude things at your expense but that’s life in all its splendor.

Holding up your hand while everyone stares at your slightly-twitching and uncooperative pinky while it sits there trying to fold but can’t do it unless your third finger goes with it.

That’s life. Filled with uncertainty and complexity.

That’s real friendship material.

Believe that.